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Title: Biden Rejected From Austrian Art School
Source:
Babylon Bee
URL Source: https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-rejected-from-austrian-art-school
Published: Sep 2, 2022
Author: Babylon Bee
Post Date: 2022-09-03 17:38:19 by Esso
Keywords: None
Views: 202
Comments: 2
Biden Rejected From Austrian Art School VIENNA — Joe Biden was rejected from the Vienna Academy of Fine Arts Friday after failing his second entrance exam. Professor Alois Delug said Biden's art was a mimicry of other, more successful works. "He has a talent for mimicry, I'll give him that. Not sure why he didn't make a go at still life. Still life painters just sit and copy whatever they're staring at. It would've been a natural fit for him, I think. Instead, he kept trying to pass off imitations of Thomas Kinkade as his own." Delug shook his head sadly. "And I like Thomas Kinkade!" In light of the two entrance exam failures, the school's rector has noted that Biden should not be considered for enrollment in the future. "He doesn't even draw heads on people. It's weird." The school did note that they are confident Biden will go on to do big things. Biden Publishes Autobiographical Memoir 'My Struggle' LANDSBERG — President Joe Biden has announced the release of an autobiographical memoir entitled My Struggle, detailing his strategic plans for growing the power of the government and taking over the world. The book reportedly describes the reasoning for his hatred of certain people groups and why his political enemies must be crushed if the nation is to once again become a great empire. "He who would live must fight. He who doesn't wish to fight in this world, where permanent struggle is the law of life, has not the right to exist," Biden writes in the text. Biden also suggests that certain portions of the national population should be reformed or exterminated with this excerpt: "Be proud of your people when you don't have to be ashamed of any of its social classes." The book goes on sale next Tuesday at Barnes and Noble, Amazon, and Stormfront. Biden Announces New Program For Patriotic Youngsters 'Biden Youth' BERLIN — Biden has announced a new program for youngsters called Biden Youth. The program is designed to remove kids from their parent's influence and to instill the unifying core beliefs of Biden Reich while the children are at their most impressionable ages. Biden fervently stated that the nuclear family is yet another obstacle we must overcome if we are to mold and groom the children into what they must become in the ongoing war against dangerous undesirables. Biden Youth will host activities such as summer camps, camping trips, and weapons training all while having the boys cite slogans and learn the core tenets of national socialism. The President is hopeful that his youth program will produce obedient, fanatical soldiers with an almost religious devotion to himself as Führer. Biden Establishes Secret Police BERLIN — Biden announced today the establishment of a secret police force known as the Geheime Staatspolizei, or Gestapo for short. The police force will be controlled directly by Biden and used to investigate extremists, domestic terrorists, and any others suspected of not fully supporting the Biden administration. "This is a new dawn for our nation," said Biden during a speech last night announcing the new police force. "We will be able to use this force to identify those deplorable people with backward views that are a threat to democracy and isolate, or concentrate, them in reformation camps to help them learn to love our policies." The secret police will be easily identifiable by their crisp dark uniforms and attractive red armbands. Biden Abolishes Office Of President And Names Self Supreme Führer BERLIN — During his speech last night, Biden abolished the office of the president and named himself Supreme Führer. "It is with great reluctance that I have agreed to accept this new authority I have given myself," said the benevolent ruler. "I love democracy. Once this crisis has abated, I will lay down the powers I have given myself. No, I'm serious. Think about it. Not a joke!" Political dissidents were then rounded up and imprisoned in order to save democracy. The whereabouts of Senator Ted Cruz are currently unknown. Biden Opens Camps In Which To Concentrate Political Dissidents And Other Undesirables BERLIN — In a unifying speech last night, President Joe Biden announced new measures against groups that threaten the nation's foundations. Biden explained that effective immediately, all unwanted groups will be moved to camps. The camps are being constructed to isolate these threats to democracy from the broader citizenry, as well as provide them with opportunity for re- education through labor. "We are determined to stamp out violent extremism to preserve democracy." Biden spoke from a podium, flanked by two Special Soldiers as he stood in front of an imposing red color scheme. "Anyone who stands against the rule of law will be exterminated without regard to previous citizenship status – those whom we forced to wear special markings for the last several months have been identified as threats, and we are treating them as such. We must preserve the fabric of our nation from these vermin." Biden Signs Non-Aggression Pact With Poland BERLIN — Supreme Führer Joe Biden signed a nonaggression pact with Polish Leaders this morning, causing world leaders everywhere to breathe easy. "Wow, I guess he's peaceful after all," said French President Albert Lebrun. "What a relief!" The declaration of non- aggression demonstrates to the world how desiring of peace Biden is, according to analysts. "I totally thought he was going to attack us," said Polish leader Józef PiBsudski. "The last time we met he held his fingers up like a gun and said, 'Bang, I'm going to invade your country and kill you, Jack!' but maybe he thought he was talking to someone named Jack. We should warn him!" International tensions have cooled off considerably since the pact was signed. President Lebrun said, "I'm glad he signed that paper because that it will physically prevent him from going back on his word and invading Poland. But still, even if he does invade Poland... eh. At least it's not France. Viva la France!" At publishing time, Biden's troops assembled at the Polish border for reasons unknown. Biden Announces Invasion Of Poland BERLIN — Biden has announced a "defensive war" against Poland, after claiming that Poland had acted as the aggressor and launched unprovoked attacks on the United States. Biden further said the war was necessary to liberate his citizens currently living in Poland, who are being "persecuted by terrorists who act friendly and wear red hats." In a stirring speech, Biden admonished his generals to "kill without pity all men, women and children of Polish descent, that semi- fascism may be defeated once and for all." Waves of tanks and infantry began pouring into Poland on September 1, with F- 15s bombing any location that fought back. President Biden has vowed a swift conclusion to the war, once democracy has been safeguarded through the total extermination of undesirables. France Surrenders To Biden PARIS — France surrendered to Biden Friday after a brutal battle that lasted minutes. While there was little resistance to the Biden regime, not all French leaders were eager to sign an armistice with Biden. French General Charles de Gaulle took to the radio to urge French citizens to continue the fight against Biden no matter the cost unless it was dinner time or the weather looked iffy. In response to de Gaulle's call to arms, French Prime Minister and war hero Henri Petain did the Frenchiest thing possible and immediately surrendered to Biden. While the majority of France has now been overrun with Biden's blue-haired, skirt-twirling soldiers, rumors are spreading of an underground network of French resistance fighters who use guerilla tactics to fight the Biden regime with their baguettes, berets, and other thoroughly French objects. Biden Announces Strategic Alliance With Mussolini And Emperor Hirohito BERLIN — Biden announced last evening the signing of the Tripartite Pact, a military alliance that solidifies the union of our nation's military with those of Benito Mussolini's Italian forces and Emperor Hirohito's Empire of Japan. "We will be a great axis of nations," Biden said as he pounded on his lectern during his announcement of the signing of the pact. "Together we shall be unstoppable. The stronger must dominate and not mate with the weaker, which would signify the sacrifice of its own higher nature. Only the born weakling can look upon this principle as cruel, and if he does so it is merely because he is of a feebler nature and narrower mind; for if such a law did not direct the process of evolution, then the higher development of organic life would not be conceivable at all." Mussolini and Hirohito have distanced themselves from Biden's "extremist and inflammatory" comments. Biden Forces Stalled 12 Miles From Moscow MOSCOW — Biden's forces hit a major stumbling block Friday as they were unable to reach USSR's capital of Moscow before the harsh Siberian winter weather hit. According to sources, Biden's army is currently short of food, shelter, and other supplies, as the wet, snowy winter has shut down all overland travel. Additionally, Russian forces undermined Biden's advances by burning crops and homes, killing livestock, and emptying all the borsht silos before retreating to the East. Biden and his entourage now face the challenge of facing starvation and death to the east, while taking on courageous, freedom-loving Allied forces to the West. Military strategists agree that Biden may have fallen for the classic military blunder of starting a land war in Asia. Biden Swallows Cyanide Capsule In Underground Bunker BERLIN — The war having turned against him, Biden has reportedly taken a cyanide capsule in an underground bunker. Biden holed up here in hopes of living out his final days as it became increasingly clear that his Reich was crumbling under the pressure of the Allied forces. Biden's forces were annihilated at the Battle of Stalingrad after the enemy surrounded them and used the wrong pronouns to address them. After all of Biden's top trans admirals admitted their imminent defeat, Biden realized the walls were closing in and retreated to his private basement quarters where he and his mistress poisoned themselves with cyanide, before Biden also shot himself in the head. 
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Biden Condemns Fascism In Speech While Also Debuting Attractive New Mustache PHILADELPHIA, PA — In a speech tonight, Joe Biden condemned fascism and extremism while also debuting a delightful little mustachioed look. Reporters oohed and aahed over his fashionable new facial hair look as the president ranted about people he disagrees with needing to be condemned as terrorists in order to fight fascism. "It's a good look for him," said an Entertainment Tonight reporter on the red carpet. "I know they say don't wear that kind of mustache before Labor Day, but I really think he pulls that off. It's kind of a classic look - vaguely European, perhaps 1930s or '40s Germanic, maybe? - really inspired." "The one who owns the youth gains the future!" shouted Biden, pounding on his towering lectern as he stood before giant banners lit up in blood red. "To conquer a nation, you must first disarm its citizens!" He got really worked up here, screaming and holding his arm at a 45-degree angle to the sky. Finally, he concluded his speech by defending democracy and condemning fascism with the powerful line, "We must employ the final solution to exterminate those vermin who would oppose our glorious third Republic!" Those gathered cheered with thunderous applause.
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