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Pious Perverts See other Pious Perverts Articles Title: The Mind of a Child Molester Before I begin this review I want to bring it to your attention that this movie was written and directed by a convicted child molester. Victor Salva once videotaped himself having oral sex with a 12 year old boy. He served 15 months of a 3 year sentence and was paroled in 1992 where he began a lustrous career writing and directing Hollywood movies. This information is essential to fully appreciate the movie Powder. It's an overindulgent, coming of age drama. Victor ... I mean Powder is completely misunderstood, bullied and unfairly judged by an ignorant, knee-jerk society, despite the fact that he may be the most incredible human being ever to have walked the Earth. Prepare yourself. You are about to hear the story of the most advanced human being in the history of human beings. His name is Jeremy Green, but you will know him as Powder! Why "Powder"? I dunno, just 'cause. He could quite possibly be the Messiah so don't ask questions, dammit! It begins with the death of Powder's grandpa, his last remaining relative. Police arrive with the local school psychologist because rumor has it that some sort of retarded freak lives under the floorboards. No one knows who he is or what he looks like. It doesn't take long for them to realize that this bald, albino teenager is "special". Powder has spent his entire life in a basement full of books (how he got so muscular is another mystery that I'm sure the director had some say in), and after 16 years of isolation, a freakish appearance and severe medical problems they've decided to integrate Powder into this small town high school... immediately! I know what you're thinking, everything is going to be fine. Think again! Much to my surprise things did not go as smoothly as planned. The torment of poor Powder begins on the first day in the school lunchroom. Alone at his table Powder eats innocently, provoking no one. Next to him is a table of troublesome jocks and it starts when one of them tosses a wadded up piece of paper in Powder's direction. When it lands, laughter erupts (everyone in unison) and as quickly as it began it ends and turns into scowls. Like a school of fish, these guys must have rehearsed this scene a dozen times to be so totally in sync. It's a sight to behold. With no response from the "victim" their next move is verbal contact under the guise of "New- guy's- gotta- wear- a- spoon- on- his- nose" initiation. It is no coincidence that the torment includes a piece of metal ware. It's been cleverly written in for a reason. Listen to this... Powder is like an electric magnet (something to do with his mom being struck by lightning when she was pregnant with him). And with his super powers, Powder rubs the spoon with his thumb and carefully balances it on it's end. Everyone looks on in awe (strangely everyone is male, and there doesn't seem to be any girls at all in this public school; the directors idea I'm sure). Soon utensils are flying in every direction, thus concluding this scene of "if only" high school fantasy. Jeff Goldblum plays Powder's science teacher and, wouldn't you know it, today's class is on energy. This includes a demonstration from a Jacob's Ladder (a two pronged lightning maker) which proves disastrous. Soon after the device is turned on, bolts of fire shoot across the room at Powder, suspending him in the air, then dropping him like a sack of potatoes. Get familiar with this happenstance because the director can't seem to get enough of it. It's a true vision of the Messiah of the future! Jeff Goldblum is high on coke and completely unable to conceal his top row of teeth through this entire movie. He phones in his usual "Merciful to the weak, defender of all things good, sees the truth that you and I can't see, excitable, patronizing, seeker of wisdom guy". Look at his filmography, you'll see I'm right. Goldblum's character is so patronizing to Powder that any normal person would have been offended beyond words, but not Powder. He eats it up like the shameful attention seeker you know Victor Salva is. Wait everyone! It's time for Powder's IQ test results! Golly, I wonder if the test results are going to be good or bad? Hmmm, I betcha he's gonna be real smart. I dunno. Just a hunch. Well, what do ya know, not only did his test results fly off the charts but they've determined that Powder (Victor Salva) has the most advanced intellect in the history of human kind. This is how backwards the mind of a child molester works. Not only do they see themselves as misunderstood geniuses, but heroic, and quite possibly the most amazing people to exist on the planet. Victor sets up these scenarios left and right regardless of how it pertains or makes any sense. At one point Powder finds himself on a camping trip with all of his tormentors (Why the school is sponsoring this outing for bullies and their victim is beyond me) and while Powder is in the woods summoning salamanders from the Earth with his magic powers, the bullies find him and almost kill him. Distracted by a gunshot, the group (including Powder) runs to where the shot was fired from. One of their group has shot a deer. The deer is still kicking (Robot deer stand-in that puts up a hilarious struggle) and Powder's politically correct ideals are challenged once again. He puts one hand on the dying animal and grabs the arm of the hunter with the other. Through Powder, the hunter experiences the dark, painful death that the beast is going through. We are all one in life and in death. Can't you people see that?! Listen to Powder! Listen to your hearts. Throughout this film, Powder stays true to his P.C. ways. His rampage of miracles continue; reading minds, raising the dead, communicating with the animals and summoning thunderstorms. His last cavortings with his cohorts is my favorite. He's strolling the school grounds (no one else around. Weekend?) and he hears basketball being played in the gymnasium. Obviously, Powder goes in. Upon entering, he sees one of the shirtless, muscular boys ringing out a wet towel over his head in slow motion. Powder's eyes crawl down the firm boy's chest and belly all the way to his... "Hey you peepin' Tom faggot!" Powder turns only to discover that he's been surrounded. "You were gettin' an eyeful in, weren't you, Lightbulb!" Ouch! Thunder strikes from outside and Powder flinches. "Well, what do ya know. Boogieman is afraid of lightning!" They haul him out by his collar to the most well placed, circular mud puddle directly outside of the gym's doors. They strip him naked (like bullies do...?) and look at his privates. "You're as bald as a baby!" he shouts. I guarantee you that this line was highlighted, and it's importance urged by the director ("I want this line screamed to the Heavens!" I can hear him declare). Then into the mud goes Powder. He's struck by lightning, throwing them all 50 feet, Powder resurrects the head bully, bla bla bla bla bla... The movie's final scene takes place with all of the main characters setting Powder free into an open field. He runs, arms extended, towards another thunderstorm, lightning strikes him, yadda yadda yadda... he's gone. The townsfolk all learn their appropriate lessons each pertaining to their individual experiences with the Messiah superhero who only wanted acceptance... and boys. Young muscular boys... with no hair... anywhere. It's a rare occurrence that you'll be given such a clear insight into the mind of a child molester. The bully is you. The genius is Victor. And the little boys... well, they're just teases!
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