NHL Player Says If He Wanted To Support The Gays He'd Be Playing Soccer
PHILADELPHIA, PA — NHL star Ivan Provorov declined to participate in the Philadelphia Flyers' Pride Night or wear a rainbow-colored jersey, saying if he wanted to support the gay agenda he would have played soccer instead of hockey.
"Listen, man, I got nothing against the gays," said Provorov to a crowd of outraged sports writers as the rest of his team pranced across the ice gracefully in their colorful outfits. "But I ain't wearing that thing. Let's leave all that gay stuff in soccer where it belongs. Also, I believe in God and stuff, and I don't want to disobey him, so there's that."
The sports world expressed unbridled outrage at the decision. "The lives of LGBTQ+ people are in danger unless everyone on earth affirms their sex lives by wearing the special uniform and saluting the special flag," said Sports Illustrated writer Gloop Schnixen (they/them) in an op-ed. "If Provorov refuses to show unquestioning fealty to our belief system, he is a fascist and must be punched until he complies."
Representatives for Major League Soccer confirmed that they celebrate Pride Night every night, and invited anyone who felt unwelcome in the NHL to attend one of their soccer games for free. So far, none have accepted the invite.
At publishing time, the NHL courted more controversy after several players refused to wear sparkly princess dresses on Trans-Awareness Night.
Bear Spray. Yeah, that new Pepper Ball Gun would have been nice. To be honest though, a double tap with a 9mm to the skull would not have hit a fucking thing. Seriously I have seen some stupid shit before but this video right here is what I would call, perfect advertising for the Byrna Pistol system. Pepper spray would waft into the car, as would that pepper powder. Better just use those solid projectiles as a deterrent, but then you’re the one who has to be on the phone with 911 in order to race her to credibility.
Fucking hags. This is why it is so important to lock up women who are out of touch with their uterus. It is almost as if Menopause robs them of any and all sensibilities they had left after puberty.