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Title: Pfizer Pleased To Announce Their New Vaccine 90% Effective Against New Virus They Created
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URL Source: https://babylonbee.com/news/pfizer- ... s-new-vaccine-virus-combo-pack
Published: Jan 27, 2023
Author: BabylonBee.com
Post Date: 2023-01-27 10:21:16 by Ada
Keywords: None
Views: 366
Comments: 1
NEW YORK, NY — Pfizer Inc. dropped their new COVID variant and accompanying vaccine Thursday at midnight, much to the delight of CDC officials. The new vaccine is reportedly shown to be 90% effective against the COVID variant Pfizer created in their lab. "First there was the dream, now there is reality," said Pfizer CEO Albert "Dirty Berty" Bourla from his planet-orbiting space fortress. "They said it couldn't be done — that it was unethical — but we showed them!" He elaborated, "A new variant is scary. That's why we wanted to make sure the vaccine was ready to go right away. We had a lot of experience from causing myocarditis and then treating it, which was a big help." Pfizer scientists have been working double time to get both products ready for simultaneous release using a process they call "directed evolution." "First, we create a new virus variant," explained Dr. Dumas, Pfizer's head of bioweaponry. "Then, we get tons of people sick on purpose." "Ta-da! Directed evolution!" Experts suggest Pfizer's radical approach to virus treatment may be tantamount to an abusive relationship, but that's okay because we probably deserve it. "I'd suggest we investigate this immediately," said Congresswoman AOC. "But I don't want to burn any bridges. I might have to get a job there someday." According to sources, doctors across the nation are looking to boost their business with similar attempts at Directed Evolution. "First I break their kneecaps, and then I bandage them up. Medicine!" said one Detroit doctor.
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Pfizer Introduces New Mascot 'Clotty' NEW YORK, NY — Pharmaceutical giant Pfizer has unveiled their new mascot, an adorable glob of platelets who goes by the name "Clotty". "See? Blood clots aren't scary!" said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla as a smiling Clotty danced onto the stage. "Welcome to Pfizer, Clotty! Let's get one of these little guys into every home in America!" While Pfizer initially pushed back against evidence tying the vaccine to blood clots, the company has decided to instead embrace it. "We are so excited for Clotty to help us put a friendly face on heart attacks and strokes," said Pfizer CEO Albert Bourla. "Every new COVID booster will now come with a plush Clotty doll you can take to the hospital when you inevitably get admitted with a massive embolus. You'll love squeezing Clotty while they wheel you into the cath lab! Thanks, Clotty!" The new mascot's reception has thus far been overwhelmingly positive, with Clotty paraphernalia already showing up in several politicians' offices. "Gosh darn it, I love the little guy," said Senator Elizabeth Warren, sporting a Clotty t-shirt as she adjusted a picture of her and Clotty. "Every child in America should be so lucky as to have one of these precious little blood clots. I will continue to do everything in my power to make it happen." At publishing time, Donald Trump had reportedly added Clotty to his list of potential running mates.
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