KYIV — Multiple insider sources reported a hushed nervousness was felt throughout President Joe Biden's entire entourage today as he arrived in Kyiv, Ukraine for his annual performance review with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
"He's really hoping this meeting goes well," said one White House insider. "The President has been working really hard over the past year to do a good job for his superiors, and he's wanting it to pay off for him in this performance review. His commitment to working for Ukraine — sending all the weapons, military equipment, and taxpayer dollars — really speaks for itself."
President Biden seemed oblivious to the criticism his trip was receiving due to him flying to Kyiv rather than visiting the ecologically ravaged community of East Palestine, Ohio. "We understand there are people who are upset about the President not visiting East Palestine," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, "But we saw pictures of that nasty black cloud of smoke. Are you kidding?! The President can't breathe that stuff! He'd be safer in a war zone, quite frankly."
If the performance review goes well, it's reported that President Biden is hoping it will result in a bump in his pay, with sources saying Biden wants a raise of at least "ten percent for the Big Guy."
At publishing time, Biden was telling his advisors that once his meeting in Kyiv was finished, he wants Air Force One to fly to the Middle East since he's been hearing something has been going on in "Eastern Palestine or something."