GEORGIA — After hearing that a black bear did epic amounts of cocaine somewhere in the forests of Georgia, Hunter Biden quickly gathered his camping gear and started driving south.
"So you're telling me there's a bear in the forest with free cocaine?" Hunter asked his Secret Service detail. "I, um, have to go. Bye."
Though agents tried to warn him about the danger of bears high on cocaine, Hunter could not be dissuaded. "Relax everyone, I've talked to plenty of bears," assured Hunter. "At least, I think that's what happened last time I went to Ukraine. Either I partied with bears, or I went to an art class where I painted a bear. It's a little hazy, to be honest."
Having packed his tent, Hunter reportedly did a quick bump to get his head straight and then immediately began driving toward Georgia. "When I took a job with the Secret Service, I never imagined I'd be camping in the National Forest looking for a cocaine bear, but here we are," said Agent Sam Watson. "We were going to tell Hunter the bear was dead, but then he would just think that meant more cocaine for him. Oh, well. I've got my fishing pole."
At publishing time, sources report that a highly inebriated Hunter Biden was attempting to perform an "enhanced interrogation" of a squirrel.