NEW YORK, NY — District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997. According to sources, new evidence was discovered in the mattress tag cold case by grizzled Detective Harry Jakes, who utilized modern advances in forensic science to place former president Donald Trump at the scene of the crime.
"We got him dead to rights," said Bragg in an unnecessary press conference. "No one removes a mattress tag in my city and gets away with it!"
The mattress tag in question belonged to a Spring Air Conforma Foam mattress from '97, which historians claim featured a warning label advising mattress tags to not be removed:
Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law Except by the Consumer
In a surprise move, Trump has not denied the troubling accusation, though he maintains doing so was not illegal. "The tag says 'except by consumer.' I am a huge consumer. Probably the greatest consumer ever, and I had every right to remove that tag. The deep state is trying to dig up anything they can just to keep me from reclaiming the presidential throne."
"Witch hunt!"
Independent fact checkers have rated Trump's claim "a bald-faced lie," citing the fact that the president does not sit on a throne. Also, he is Trump and that is bad. The fact-check article does not make mention of the mattress tag issue directly, but does note, "[Trump] broke both federal and international laws probably."
A United Nations committee has been assembled to investigate whether the matter qualifies as a war crime.
"This is an open and shut case. Now he'll never be president. I did it!" Bragg claimed before quickly correcting himself. "I mean, no one is above the law."
At publishing time, Trump's approval polling surged among mattress consumers who have long been befuddled by the mattress tag warning.