QUANTICO, VA — The nation's top investigative force has pledged a full commitment of its resources to identify, isolate, and destroy whichever Christian beliefs were responsible for the brutal attack at a private Christian school this week.
"Our stated goal is to protect U.S. citizens from foreign and domestic terror threats, such as parents at school board meetings, pro-life demonstrators, and Christians who push innocent trans people toward violence by being mean-heads," said FBI Director Christopher Wray at a mandatory meeting of the full staff of all branches. "I want a halt on all investigations until we figure out what Christians did to deserve being attacked!"
"The evil that sparked this event has yet to be eradicated, but we will hunt it down and end it."
The shooter's manifesto has yet to be released, but prominent media attention has focused on the shooter's victims' sinister Christian faith. FBI personnel are expected to spend the next several months reviewing the historic Christian doctrines that caused the tragic shooting, with plans to roll out more comprehensive tracking of Christians whose improper beliefs trigger attacks on themselves.
At publishing time, the Biden administration announced their plan to prevent further Christian school shootings by banning Christianity altogether.