PALM BEACH, FL — Former President Donald Trump seemed to have outsmarted federal prosecutors once again, as reports out of Mar-A-Lago indicated the 45th President and current 2024 candidate had chosen Joe Biden's son, Hunter, as his running mate, leading the Department of Justice to halt all investigations against Trump.
"It really is a brilliant, ‘4D chess' type of move," said disheveled political analyst Steve Bannon after Trump made his announcement. "There's no way the DOJ or the FBI will do any investigating when Hunter Biden is attached to the campaign. Checkmate, losers!"
Within minutes of naming Biden his new running mate, Trump was notified by the government that the indictments against him were being thrown out, leading Trump to make a celebratory post on his Truth Social account. "TRUMP WINS ONCE AGAIN," he said. "I REMAIN UNDEFEATED AGAINST THE CORRUPT DEEP STATE'S EFFORTS TO TAKE ME OUT. HUNTER BIDEN IS MY NEW RUNNING MATE, MAKING ME INVINCIBLE TO ANY INVESTIGATION. HE'S EVEN MORE TRUSTWORTHY THAN MY PREVIOUS RUNNING MATE. SO MUCH WINNING!"
Unable to continue their quest against Trump, DOJ officials admitted defeat. "It's over," said a source within the department. "We're not allowed to go anywhere near Hunter Biden, so Trump and his campaign can now run roughshod. Much like the women Hunter hires at night, our hands are tied."
At publishing time, new vice presidential candidate Hunter Biden, who had last been seen passed out in an alley after a 3-day crack cocaine bender, was unavailable for comment.