WILMINGTON, DE — The five-year criminal investigation of Hunter Biden came to a close this morning, with the presiding judge finding Hunter guilty of "being a lovable rascal with a heart of gold." "I find the defendant, Hunter Biden, guilty -- of being an adorable mischief-maker," said Judge Haley Reinwald. "Now come over here and let me tousle your hair, you charming little scamp!"
The verdict ended a lengthy investigation by the Department of Justice, which discovered that Hunter Biden had dealt cocaine, lied about his drug use to obtain a firearm, and hid millions of dollars from the IRS to evade taxes. "Such a sweet rapscallion, that Hunter Biden," said U.S. District Attorney David Weiss. "He gets into such hilarious capers sometimes! We are grateful that justice has at last been done. After years of work, the court has finally recognized what a beautiful soul is inside that delightful scoundrel."
The White House issued a statement shortly after the Department of Justice made the announcement. "We are grateful the judiciary has seen these drug, firearm, and tax charges for what they are - harmless pranks by an endearing little tyke. Hunter is such a good boy, and we are proud of all of his funny antics. We look forward to the House investigation of Hunter turning up more wonderfully naughty anecdotes about our dear son."
At publishing time, Hunter had reportedly offered to share his cocaine with the judge as thanks for helping him beat the felony charges.