WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an extremely awkward moment, six Supreme Court justices ruled that affirmative action is unconstitutional, completely forgetting that affirmative action hire Ketanji Brown Jackson was sitting right there next to them.
"Welp, this is kind of an uncomfortable situation," said Chief Justice John Roberts after turning in his majority opinion. "No hard feelings, ok, Ketanji? We're still invited to the cookout at your place this weekend, right?"
Roberts then slunk away with an embarrassed look on his face.
"Today is a sad day for anyone who was hired strictly based on their race, gender, and sexual orientation rather than qualifications," said White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who was hired strictly based on her race, gender, and sexual orientation rather than qualifications. "Ah, crap... now this is awkward."
Vice President Kamala Harris, also an identity hire with no qualifications, weighed in as well, saying: "Affirmative action is affirmative, and that's good. Without affirmative action, we will have non-affirmative action which is the worst kind of action. And that's bad. HA HA HAHAHAHAHA!"
At publishing time, Clarence Thomas had distracted himself from his awkward feeling by writing yet another brilliant opinion.