The nation was rocked to its core this week after a substance later determined to be cocaine was found in the West Wing of the White House. The always-trustworthy and not-in-any-way-corrupt D.C. Police Department immediately launched a very thorough 15-minute investigation to learn the identity of the culprit. While it's unlikely we'll ever know who could have possibly brought cocaine into the house where President Biden and his crack-addicted son were staying, The Babylon Bee has obtained a list of 15 other things found at the White House during the search:
Three more illegitimate children of Hunter Biden
Dead hookers
Live hookers
$72 billion marked "For Zelenskyy"
Teddy Roosevelt's skateboard
Jill Biden's Fisher-Price pretend doctor's kit
Dominion voting machine programming manual
Scrapbook containing Hunter Biden's baby teeth...and his adult teeth.
Ray Epps
A notebook labeled "Chairman Xi's To-Do List"
30 suitcases left behind by Sam Brinton
List of unsecured locations of classified documents
Hunter's other laptop (where he keeps the REALLY bad stuff)
A closet full of adult diapers
Glass vial labeled "Next Pandemic — Save for 2024"
As you can see, the White House is thankfully now free of cocaine — or any other illegal activity. Thanks for getting that taken care of, D.C. Police!