WASHINGTON, D.C. — What a guy! As more evidence continues to emerge regarding Biden's selling influence and favors to foreign governments for bribe money, The President has announced he will be selflessly donating the remainder of his bribe money to charity.
"Listen up, folks. Here's the deal," Biden said to reporters assembled at the White House, "I made a lot of money by taking bribes from other countries. It was entirely legal except for being totally illegal. To smooth things over, I'm going to give all the bribe money I have left over to a variety of charities. In return, those charities will do me favors. It's a win-win. Noogardinbargits!"
The press pool then stood and cheered, impressed by Biden's extremely generous act.
Though no official list has been released, the charities to which Biden plans on donating the bribe money include prominent left-wing causes, such as green energy and LGBTQ+ activist organizations. "It's important to the President to give this dirty money to dirty organizations," said White House gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "The original intent for this money was to facilitate underhanded, immoral acts, so giving it to these charities will be a way of continuing that legacy. This is truly a heroic move."
When asked if his son, Hunter, will also be donating his bribe money to charity, Joe Biden replied, "Who's Hunter?" The President was then whisked away for his mid-morning nap.
At publishing time, sources confirmed the Biden administration had decided to donate the entire sum to his son's charity foundation.