WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal judge presiding over former President Donald Trump's trial on charges of election interference has set a trial date that will line up perfectly to interfere with the 2024 presidential election.
"This certainly is the most appropriate date," said U.S. District Judge Tanya Chutkan in her announcement. "Mr. Trump is not above the law, and holding this trial to determine if he is guilty of interfering in the 2020 election gives the federal government its best chance of interfering in the 2024 election."
The trial start date, March 4, falls just one day before the "Super Tuesday" primaries, which a spokesperson for the Department of Justice insists is only a coincidence. "Total happenstance," said the source on the condition of anonymity. "This was not, in any way, done to affect Donald Trump's ability to campaign during the crucial period of state primary voting. There is also no truth to the rumors that we did an extensive investigation into what date would be most ideal to harm Trump's campaign or cast him in a questionable light in the eyes of voters. Nope. Not at all. That would be election interference, and we do not do that. That's illegal."
President Trump did not accept the DOJ's claims of impartiality. "BOGUS TRIAL DATE!" he said in a post to his Truth Social account. "Another move by our CORRUPT Justice Department to try to hurt me in the primaries. Even if I'm sitting in a courtroom, I will SWEEP the primaries, something nobody ever thought possible, but it is with me. MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!"
At publishing time, The DOJ was reportedly hard at work scheduling all court dates to coincide with important election dates while claiming the coincidence was purely coincidental.