KYEV — Ukraine boss Volodimir Zelensky is reportedly irate at the lack of international support he's received in his extended battle with Russia, including a recent snub by major certified butthead Elon Musk who has refused to help start a nuclear war.
"Not only have we not received the trillions of dollars in blank checks we requested, but stupid dipwad Elon Musk won't let us use his Starlink system to inch us closer to nuclear holocaust," said a visibly perturbed Zelensky from another mansion, but we're not sure which one there are so many at this point. "Doesn't he know how much sacrifice and prison time my political opponents have endured since this war began?"
U.S. President Biden showed support for Zelensky and all people of "Ikrania" by agreeing that Elon Musk was a "huge d-bag" and "a total dweeb" for not allowing Ukraine to manipulate international aid for unchecked personal gain while sending men and women to the front lines.
At publishing time, low-key small business owner Elon Musk had indeed activated the Starlink satellites, though rather than helping Ukraine, he just moved them around to form a floating shape too inappropriate to mention here. (It's a penis.)