In the year 2024, knowing which statues you can tear down is more confusing then ever! Will you be hailed as a hero of progress for fighting valiantly against colonization, or vilified and brought up on criminal charges for vandalizing a sacred monument?
Thankfully, The Babylon Bee has done your homework for you and put together the following guide to which statues you can — or can't — tear down:
Yes: Thomas Jefferson, known bigot and slave owner No: Satan, brave and inclusive hero
Yes: George Washington, father of racist country No: George Floyd, father of Black Lives Matter
Yes: Andrew Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted dinner served by slaves No: Michael Jackson, white-skinned man who hosted fun sleepovers with kids
Yes: Abraham Lincoln, war-mongering Republican president No: Xi Jinping, honorable Chinese president
Yes: Robert E. Lee, model of Confederacy No: Male models in fountain at The Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good And Want To Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too
Yes: Marines hoisting flag on Iwo Jima, symbol of male toxicity No: Drag queens hoisting Pride flag, symbol of males being stunning and fabulous Yes: Confederate solider, who killed his own countrymen No: Antifa soldier, who killed his own countrymen
Yes: Jesus, leader of evil and intolerant Christians No: Jesus holding a rainbow flag, leader of good and tolerant faux- Christians
By following the list above, you can eliminate all the guesswork the next time you're looking for a statue to destroy.