WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a stunning unanimous decision that dealt a shocking blow to democracy, the United States Supreme Court affirmed that people can vote for the candidate they want. The landmark ruling, issued just as the 2024 Presidential Election prepared to ramp up, presents a grave new threat to American freedom, as all nine justices declared that voters can, in defiance of what the ruling authorities may want, select their preferred candidate.
"We've never seen democracy in such danger," said black and gay White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre, who is black and gay. "Today's ruling from the Supreme Court now adds credence to the belief held by fringe extremists that they are allowed to select the candidate they want in an election. This is terrifying."
The state of Colorado had boldly and bravely attempted to preserve democracy by removing former President Donald Trump from the ballot, but the nation's highest court ended all hope that freedom and liberty would reign. "We don't have a country anymore," said a despondent Rachel Maddow. "You mean to tell me that — in a DEMOCRACY — people can just go out and vote for whoever they want?! Why don't you just burn the Constitution already? No, seriously, can we burn it?"
At publishing time, Democrats at all levels of government across the country decried the ruling as the end of America as we know it, ushering in a new and dangerous era of people getting to vote for the candidate they want to be in charge.