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Title: THE DARWIN AWARDS
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Published: Jun 14, 2006
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Post Date: 2006-06-14 11:14:03 by Morgana le Fay
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Views: 198
Comments: 18
Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners: 1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked..... And now, the honorable mentions: 2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little shopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and he also lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved. 3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her. 4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days. 5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit. 6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?) 7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. 8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from." 9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ipsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. ******AND FINALLY, A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER***** 10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
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#1. To: Morgana le Fay (#0)
hahahahahaha..i love that one.
This 5 star winner will be repeated in due course, given the current $ of oil.
No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare. – James Madison
LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
One national gun magazine features a column called DUMB CROOK OF THE MONTH. It once featured a DE man who was arrested after a robbery. (I live in DE) In court the prosecutor called the store clerk to the stand, referring to her as "witness". The crook stood up and said, "What choo mean witness? Dere wasn't nobody in dat sto but her and mee."
Tommy...you're always complaining about all the morons running loose in this country (and justifiably so, IMHO)...here's TEN MORE to add to your collection. Thought you'd enjoy it...
Stupid bitch musta believed in chivalry; he didn't. Rather than consult a friggin rigged legal system, or even use go to arbitration, he decided the law and acted according. He showed her his rights. More to come in 2006..... And 2007......... And 2008......
Here're two from my area: The first is an example of the joke: "What're a redneck's last words?" "Hey, everyone, look at this!" This guy said, "Hey, everyone, look at this!" and swallowed a fish. The fish got stuck, the guy choked, and the fish didn't make it, either. The second one: a bunch of drunks decided to bungee jump off of an old abandoned bridge, using a length of rope. It pulled the guy's foot off. His buddies found him alive in the creek, but unfortunately his foot is still missing.
Freeper motto: "I read, but do not understand; I write, but make no sense."
There are days when Darwin is spinning in his grave. Why??? Because he knows that Natural Selection is always thwarted by human compassion for the retards of the world. Stupid people are the bane of human existence. What's worse, and what makes Stupid people Evil, is that not only are they stupid, they're so stupid they don't know just how stupid they are. Take politicians for example. Smart people don't vote themselves pay raises when the rest of the country is suffering from inflation and high fuel prices. A SMART politician would say, Hey, I'm going to suffer like my constituents, or... Maybe we should do something about high fuel prices. No, we're surrounded by stupid people every day, in every walk of life. In order to factor them out, we must take the safeties off of everything. Make wearing a helmet illegal. Make wearing seatbelts illegal. Make talking on cell phones while driving mandatory. Seriously, in order to bring about true equilibrium, we must factor the stupid out at every turn. Unfortunately, a lot of good smart people are going to get factored out in the process, and we can't have that. If there weren't stupid people in the world, we wouldn't need welfare. We wouldn't need public schools. We wouldn't need lawyers, and prisons. SO many things would change if the stupidity of the world were purged. We'd definitely have a much better country, because we surely would have better representation.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, he man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)
#2. To: Morgana le Fay (#0)
10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.
#3. To: IndieTx, orangedog, PnbC, Zipporah, CAPPSMADNESS, justlurking, rowdee, mehitable, Trace21231, HOUNDDAWG, Pandora (#0)
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car
during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had
taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
#4. To: christine (#3)
'This just in...'
“Yes, but is this good for Jews?"
#5. To: Morgana le Fay, christine, Zipporah (#0)
#6. To: Morgana le Fay, TommytheMadArtist (#0)
#7. To: Eoghan (#4)
Nice catch - thanks.
#8. To: christine (#3)
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.
#9. To: Morgana le Fay (#0)
#10. To: who knows what evil (#6)
 | What's that Mr. Nipples? You want me to ask the nice lady about her rack?. |
#11. To: christine (#3)
Man - now THAT would SUCK!
4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
#12. To: TommyTheMadArtist (#10)
A very intriguing proposal...
In order to factor them out, we must take the safeties off of everything.
#13. To: rowdee (#8)
understandably, he shot her?? that's what i laughed at. maybe the writer should get the darwin for saying that.
Understandably, he shot her.
#14. To: CAPPSMADNESS (#11)
i wonder if they ever found the real patients.
#15. To: christine (#14)
i wonder if they ever found the real patients.
No nation could preserve its freedom in the midst of continual warfare. – James Madison
#16. To: robin (#15)
ha! good one.
#17. To: christine (#14)
Sure they did, right after the whole lot of them attended my son's graduation... oh, that was my family - nevermind!
#18. To: CAPPSMADNESS (#17)
:P
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