i was at the grocery store. as i was doging really fat americans pushing carts around each other laden with processed crap food and red beetle dye, i had to go down the ice cream aisle, which is never empty. the ice cream aisle is where you find all things frozen. from pizza to vegetables, which of course no one buys for any reason at all. the vegetables i mean, the pizzas and shit fly out the door.
but anyway, i'm just tooling along and i look in the case and what the fuck do you think i see?
frozen toast.
yes, thats right. frozen fucking texas toast.
frozen fucking toast.
cuz regular toast is just tooooo hard.....what with all butter spreading, and its not butter anyway its fucking hydrogenated soybean oils flavored with soylent green or something even worse, plus all preparation time everyone knows it takes to make toast i guess.
but you wanna know how you fix frozen toast?
IN A GODDAMN TOASTER!!
So i was gonna find a roving teenage shelf stocker/cart herder and ask where the D Con rat poison was, in order to eat several boxes immediately, without paying of course, right there in the aisle so i could bleed to death internally and do the only sane thing left....
but i decided against it and as i fought the urge to swerve into oncoming traffic on the way home, i remembered they had this big pharmacy there, and the proper way of doing things would be elvis style, with a gallon of jim beam and as many speckled zoomers and orange dilaudid the nearsighted, bald pharmacist could jam into paper or plastic while i held the place up using a pancake turner i stole from housewares held under my jacket.
he would probably do it, but i would have to sign something, so i just bought some frozen toast instead and went home and watched television.