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4play See other 4play Articles Title: Snuggles the Wonder Dog Snuggles the Wonder Dog Ken Adelman (2/13/02): "I believe demolishing Hussein’s military power and liberating Iraq would be a cakewalk." George: Where is that darned dog? I need his analysis of the intelligence that's been gathered. Dick: I'm not sure you should trust the fate of the free world to a 12-pound pug. George: Well, he is a genius, you know. He has the IQ of William James Sidis, the moves of Jackie Chan, the magnetism of Sean Connery. What a dog! Plus, he did drive my daughters home one night when they were so tipsy they got into the back seat and wondered why they couldn't find the steering wheel. (Chuckles) It reminds me of what I used to do when I was their age. . .more than once, actually. I just hope they're not (puts finger against side of nose and sniffs) like I did. Not that I would ever admit it, being your typical sleazy politician. (Sound of door opening.) George: Snuggles! Thank God you're here! Good boy! (Sound of munching of biscuit.) Donald: You call two pages an analysis? It should be at least 500. George: Hey, remember I'm not much of a reader. Heck, the last book I read was My Pet Goat, and dang! looked what happened! Them damn Iraqians attacked us for our goodness! So I like stuff short and sweet, which benefits such an incurious George such as myself. Dick: I know he doesn't like me, but does he have to piss on my leg? George: Better inside the tent pissing on you that outside the tent pissing in on me! Dick: Maybe I should take him hunting sometime! He'd find out what a good shot I am, especially with some booze in me. George: Hmm. . .interesting. . .no Weapons of Mass Destruction. . .simplistic and dangerous view to think we're good and they're evil. . .blowback for 50 years of supporting dictators. . .bait to lure us into a war to bleed us of blood and treasure. . .thousands of American casualties. . .hundreds of billions of dollars . .civil war. . .increasingly sophisticated guerilla attacks. . .ten year commitment. . .loss of the goodwill of the rest of the world. . inflation. . .deficit out of control. . .massive increase in energy costs. . .permanently crippled economy. . .say, this is brilliant! Donald: This is outrageous. He's nothing but a dog with a curly tail and a stupid look. Are you going to listen to a dog instead of us? Hello? The Best and the Brightest? Ever heard of us? Harvard? Yale? Princeton? Who do think can give the best advice? A bunch of guys from Ivy League colleges or some little beast that drinks from the toilet? George: Okay, guys, calm down. Donald: And I certainly don't need any more cracks from that miserable werepug about John F. Kennedy, Robert McNamara, Vietnam and quagmires. Dick: Or about chickenhawks taking five deferments to escape serving in Vietnam. Or hiding out in an underground bunker like Dr. Strangelove. Quit sniggering, Snuggles! George: C'mon, guys, you're putting me between Iraq and a hard place. Dick: Well, you're going to have to choose. Are you going to listen to us, or a dog? Whose advice is sound? What do you think the public would do if they found out your top advisor is some mutt? Think of your chances for re-election. Besides, we guarantee you the invasion will be a cakewalk. The people will line the streets and throw flowers at us as liberators. The American public will sing great songs about our brilliance. A ten-year war? Ha! We'll be there just a few months. George: Hmmm. . .you do have a point. Snuggles, you do give great advice, but heck, let's face facts: you are a dog. These guys want to start a war, and I guess I should listen to them. Sorry, but I think I'm going to have to find another position in the administration for you. Dick: I'm a what? A rat-faced skunkboy? You think so, do you? How about if I -- you're going to do what? Punch my fucking balls off? Oh yeah? Why don't you -- OOF! George: No, Snuggles, stop swinging him around -- Dick: AAAAAHHHH!!!! George: -- by his -- Dick: AAAAHHHHH!! George: -- dinkie! Dick: Urrr...that smarts! George: Christ, get up off the floor! It's pitiful to see a grown man curled up in the fetal position. Dick: It's going to be a while. George What's that, Snuggles? Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it? Traitors and Israeli spies in the administration? Passing our secrets to Israel? Douglas Feith, Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Perle are chickenhawk cowards who couldn't find their butts with both hands and someone directing them with a flashlight and a pointer? The neo-cons will desert me when the war goes bad and try to blame it on me because I didn't do it the right way? Any dog makes more sense than they do? And you're going into the movies? A bit part in Men in Black? Well, then, good luck! Hey -- no, Snuggles, not on the carpet! Outside! Dang, someone get an illegal immigrant to clean that up, will you? Donald: Oh, God, no! Stop, don't AHHHH OOF! George: Dang, I didn't know he could do that! What a dog! Donald Rumsfeld (11/15/02): "Five days or five weeks or five months, but it certainly isn’t going to last any longer than that."
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