After watching you peolpe stumble around I have decided to step down from my lofty perch and give you some pointers. Listed below are the things you must keep in mind if you are to someday achieve the degree of respect and credibility that I now hold. If you religiously adhere to the principles set out below, you may someday be in a position to reward yourself, as I did, by giving yourself a Hummer. My guiding principles are as follows:
1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was due to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but yesterday's gasoline prices are all Clinton's fault.
2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success all on their own.
3. You have to be against all government programs, but expect Social Security checks on time, Medicare when you retire, and Medicaid if you lose everything.
4. You have to believe that AIDS victims deserve their disease, but smokers with lung cancer and overweight individuals with heart disease don't deserve theirs.
5. You have to believe...everything Rush Limbaugh says.
6. You have to believe that the agricultural, restaurant, housing and hotel industries can survive without immigrant labor.
7. You have to believe God hates homosexuality, but loves the death penalty.
8. You have to believe society is color-blind and growing up black in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote for Alan Keyes.
9. You have to believe that pollution is OK as long as it makes a profit.
10. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as you don't pray to Allah or Buddha.
11. You have to believe Newt Gingrich and Henry Hyde were really faithful husbands.
12. You have to believe speaking a few Spanish phrases makes you instantly popular in the barrio.
13. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins.
14. You have to be against government interference in business, until your oil company, corporation or Savings and Loan is about to go broke and you beg for a government bail out.
15. You love Jesus and Jesus loves you and, by the way, Jesus shares your hatred for AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton.
16. You have to believe government has nothing to do with providing police protection, national defense, and building roads.
17. You have to believe a poor, minority student with a disciplinary history and failing grades will be admitted into an elite private school with a $1,000 voucher.