WHY HOT, WASPy CHICKS [PRETEND TO] LOVE JEWS A letter from the Learned Elders of Zion to Joel Stein
found by H. Millard (c) 2005
(who is not Jewish, but who was once seen eating a bagel)
Dear Booby,
You sound like a nice Jewish boy. Can we talk? We read your column, "Why Hot, WASPy Chicks Love Jews," in the Los Angeles Times last week and we have concerns.
Waddya some kinda shmendrik or shmoe? Are you meshuganah? Is your yarmulke too tight? Don't ya get it? In the first place, they ain't WASPy chicks, they're ARYANy chicks. Yeah, you read that right. They've been sent by Hitler's brain to destroy Jews. You live in Los Angeles and you don't see movies? If you did, you'd know that Hitler's brain has chutzpah like you've never seen. It's living down in the center of the earth with millions of ubermensch just waiting to take over the planet. It's like Springtime for Hitler down there. Sometimes some of them come to the surface, like from The Time Machine. Didn't ya see Prince Harry in the papers? UFO'S? It's them. We're telling you that there's something farshtunken in all this.
What? Ya still don't get it? We gotta write more? We gotta give you the whole megillah? Don't make us brech. Look here, maybe you're more secular than you should be so let us explain the facts of life to you and maybe you'll remember something from Hebrew schul if you ever went to one. We've been down here in the smoke filled hidden crypt under the graveyard in Hollywood for many years so we've thought a lot about this stuff. Let us give you the benefit of our knowledge. We're gonna talk orthodox to you. We'll put it in simple sentences.
Jews don't seek converts. You remember why? Because Jews are born, not made. Bingo! Give the guy a cigar, maybe from Bill Clinton, it's sort of kosher now. To be a Jew you have to have a Jewish mother. See, that means that you have to have Jewish genes. Why did we set it up so that you have to have a Jewish mother and not necessarily a Jewish father to be a Jew? Because in the old days you couldn't tell who got a female pregnant. It might have been a Jew who used his shmekel to shtup her or it might have been a goy in the woodpile. You think maybe the Jewish princess would tell the truth about who shtuped her? Get outta here. But, if she did get pregnant and had a baby, you knew the baby at least had a Jewish mother, because you could see the baby being born. So, Jewish genes were passed on down through the mother. That's how we kept the gene pool relatively clean. We knew the kid was at least half a Jew and that ain't chopped liver. Hold that thought, 'cause the chopped liver is coming back a little later. Jews ain't like goyim who can be Baptists one day and Methodists the next. Jewishness is in the blood. A Jew can become a Baptist, or an atheist or whatever, but he's still a Jew if his mother is a Jew. The religion and the genotype are one. The Mormons, among others, still don't get it. They're out there converting and baptizing dead Jews as Mormons. Meanwhile, we hear the church bells saying "goyim, goyim, goyim," as we become less and less Jewish, not through conversion, but through absorption.
So, you're all happy that hot Aryan chicks are marrying nice Jewish boys and that Jews are being accepted into goyim society, and going to the goy country clubs? What a load of schlock. You know what happens if a hot Aryan chick marries a nice Jewish boy like you talk about in your farmisht column? The kid born of that marriage ain't a Jew. And, he ain't a Jew even if that guy Adam Sandler sings he is; at least not in our book. We'll deal more with Sandler in a moment. Talk about farcockteh thinking! Israel is going to look like Sweden if we're not careful.
Anyway, the nice Jewish boy is out there at the disco looking for a little excitement, and what happens? He gets snared by the Aryan, blond haired, long legged, ample breasted, blue eyed decoy sent by Hitler's brain to trap him. She's a breeder on the prowl for Jews. It's the spider and the fly thing and the fly is the Jew. Then in the blink of an eye the Jewish boy is supporting an Aryan family. It's the Boys from Brazil right in his living room. A buncha nogoodniks with swastikas dancing in their heads. While the nice Jewish boy thinks his trophy Aryan wife is bearing his kids, she's really shtuping some Aryan guys on the side who look like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Doesn't that blond pool boy come around a little too often? It's controlled breeding to destroy Jews. The Aryan chick uses birth control for the Jew but not for the Aryan guys. The Jewish guy might as well be shooting blanks. His mating instinct is satisfied and he smokes a cigarette not knowing that he hasn't passed on anything of himself. What a shmuck! It's the real final solution. The hot Aryan chicks are like the chick in Species, only it's not them who change, because they remain Aryan. What changes is your Jewish family. Suddenly, you wake up one day and there are no more Jews in your family, except you. And, when you die, your Aryan family dances on your grave and spends your money.
A whole buncha nice Jewish boys look at themselves in the mirror and see looking back at them a frizzy haired, short, dark guy with hair on his back and shoulders, bandy legs, beady eyes and a hooked nose and they know that's who they are and that's what their genes have made, and they like what they are. Then, they're so farmisht that when they look at "their kids," who they think they had with their shiksa goddess, and their kids look like Hitler youth, they aren't even suspicious. What shmucks. They're cuckoos. They're raising the Fourth Reich right in their own homes. They're a little like Steve Martin in that film in which he was raised with a black family so he thought he was black no matter what his eyes told him, except, in this case, these shmucks are the odd men out in their own families.
Who can plan out a final solution like this that is so sneaky and devious and full of false trails and cunning that it makes Machiavelli look like a retard? Hitler's brain, that's who. You heard about his Thousand Year Reich? The real meaning wasn't a Thousand Year Government but a Thousand Year Plan. It's a long term plan to destroy all Jews; through hate if necessary, but through love if that works better. Hitler's brain is loving us to extinction. Many Jews are farmisht and distracted and think concentration camp ovens. Meanwhile, Hitler's brain thinks womb ovens. "Ohhh, my son's blond shiksa wife has one in the oven," gushes the bubbe, never realizing that the one in the oven is an Aryan, not a Jew. The more the Aryans love us, the better Hitler's brain likes it.
We gotta tell you, Booby, too many Jews are thinking they've outsmarted Hitler's brain, but they're wrong. Look at Israel. We thought we'd grab some land from a buncha backward Arabs and make our own nice little kosher country where we would be free of those who wanted to destroy us. Now what do we have? We have a small country ringed in with walls. You know what we call that, Booby? We call that a ghetto. So, we left the ghettos in Europe only to build a new ghetto in Israel. We think we're building the walls to keep the Arabs out, but Hitler's brain knows that it's being built to keep Jews in. If we go outside the walls, the Arabs kill us. If we go out dancing, the hot Aryan chicks attract us like moths to a flame. This is life?
You think all is happy and full of yiddishkayt because Aryan chicks are pretending that they love Jews? Forget love. That's what's killing us off. We've been working hard to be hated. We've been down here doing PR to make the goyim think we're all dirty, sneaky little bastards that they shouldn't be around and then along comes you with all this happy talk about us. When we are hated, we became more Jewish. Now that we're loved, we're fading away. It's worse than being assimilated. We're being absorbed.
You want we should talk kabbalah to you? Yeah, Madonna calls herself Esther and you think now she's a Jew? What a buncha dreck. Look, try to follow us on this. You need to think mystical to get it. You know white light? Well, as above, so below. White people are the fleshly version of white light. Get it? No? Whites assimilate and absorb. Take a white light and put it through a prism. What do you get? Right, all the colors of the rainbow. Those colors are in the white light but you can't usually see them. They've been absorbed in white light. White blood cells do the same thing. They absorb other things. White people also do it. Jews are being absorbed into white people. But unlike all those different light colors blended into white light, Jews who are absorbed don't stay within white people. After after a few generations, the Jew part dies off leaving a pure Aryan behind. Burp! It's like whites are amoebas and we're bits of food. It's like what they did to the Indians. They absorb all other peoples. They're the phagocytes of the universe. They're like the Borg in Star Trek. And, there's Jewish Captain Kirk and Jewish Mr. Spock prancing around in their tights never knowing what's really out there because their time on the bridge has long passed.
Listen to this nice Jewish boy Adam Sandler singing about Hanukkah. Doesn't he know that Hanukah was about us Jews resisting assimilation? The whole damn thing is about us remaining separate from other peoples. It's about Jewish separatists. So, what's he warble all happy about in his never ending Hanukkah songs? He sings that Harrison Ford is a quarter Jew. Is a quarter Jew the result of separation? Of course not. What the hell is a quarter Jew, anyway? Did he get a quarter bris? Look, go into the deli and order a chopped liver sandwich. If the shlump behind the counter gives you a chopped liver sandwich that's one quarter chopped liver and three quarters ground pork would you sing about your chopped liver sandwich? We don't think so. It's cockamamie. It just ain't kosher. Besides, Ford was a carpenter before he became an actor. Now, what kinda Jew would ever be a carpenter? Right. And, what if quarter Jews marry shiksas? Their kids become one eighth Jews. And, if their kids also marry shiksas...soon, this Sandler kid will be singing the praises of one sixty-fourth Jews. For this we should be proud? A one sixty-fourth Jew is a Jew?
And what about Ben Stiller who you write about? Yeah, he's a nice Jewish boy. Except, his mother is an Irish Catholic.
We got too many shmendrik Jews runnin' around the place thinking they're doing great because they put their thumbs on the scale and steal a penny from a goy. Hell, the goy is just laughing to himself that the Jew made some money so he can support Aryan kids and an Aryan wife all living in the Jew's house.
So, Booby, the next time you want to write a column about how snazzy it is that Jews are being accepted and loved, remember what we told you. We can't continue to exist if we're loved. It's hate that keeps us as a separate people. When the goyim hate us, they don't want to mate with us and that keeps us Jewish.
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