Admit it, guys. You don't know if a woman's interested in you unless she turns into Shirtless Girl right in front of your eyes. Mostly you just sit there all lumpish and retarded, right? Now, I'm not saying I can turn you into a Love God (aka "me") but I can give you enough pointers so that you won't be a goggle-eyed melonhead anymore, suavely asking, "Did it hurt when an angel like you fell from heaven?"
It all started in college. One hungover Saturday morning, my roommate and I were eating breakfast at one of those places with a lot of booths. There was a woman about three booths over, eating breakfast by herself. She was facing me, so my roommate couldn't see her.
As I looked at her, and she saw me looking at her, she had some sort of a seizure. At least I thought it was a seizure, at first. She began to bounce up and down, flinging her head around and flipping her hair back from her face with her hand.
"Good Lord," I thought, "I've got Super Villain superpowers! I can make women have fits just by looking at them!" I looked down at my hash browns and eggs over easy and pretended I didn't see her anymore. I figured she was probably really upset by my looking at her.
"Why do you have your nose stuck in your plate?" my roommate asked me.
"I think that woman over might call the cops on me," I answered.
A few weeks later I had a class assignment to cover a talk by a woman who was an expert on flirting. As I was sitting at a table by myself, she walked by me on her way to the podium and banged my chair with her hip, hard enough to move me.
"Aha!" I thought. "Flirting behavior! She likes me!" Later I realized she was probably just nervous and accidently walked into me.
Guess what she told the crowd? That the first thing women did when flirting was "the hair flip." They flip their hair back from their face with a hand. Usually they arch their back and aim their boobage at you, too.
The woman in the restaurant wasn't upset with me. She was flattered because I was looking at her, and I had no idea whatsoever. Clueless I was!
But after that talk, not anymore! The next time I got the hair flip, I walked over, took her hand, got down on my knees and told her she was the most beautiful woman I had never seen and I worshipped her from the first moment I saw her. Ha ha! I was in like Flint!
The alcohol helped, too. People think I'm weird, anyway, and even stranger when I drink.
I may look more like Spongebob Squarepants than Sean Connery, but I ain't shy. And it's been uphill ever since my encounter with the Flirting Lady.
Okay, guys, I've done my public service announcement for this week. Now go get 'em. Rowf! Rowf!