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4play See other 4play Articles Title: Nurse Nancy Nurse Nancy Two doctors are in the hallway complaining about nurse Nancy. ''She's out of control!'' the first doctor says. ''She does everything backwards. Just last week I told her to give a man two milligrams of morphine every ten hours, she gave him 10 milligrams every two hours, he alomost died!'' ''That's nothing,'' said the second doctor, "earlier this week I told her to give a man an enema every 24 hours, she tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour!'' All of a sudden they heard a blood curldling scream from down the hallway. ''OH MY GOD! I just realized that I told nurse Nancy to prick Mr. Smiths boil!''' College Grads A graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" A graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" A graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much it cost?" A graduate with a liberal arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" Babe-raham Lincoln An older man wearing a stovepipe hat, a waistcoat and a phony beard sat down at a bar and ordered a drink. As the bartender set it down, he asked, "Going to a party?" "Yeah, a costume party," the man answered, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my love life." "But you look like Abe Lincoln." protested the barkeep. "That's right. My last four scores were seven years ago." Hungry Monkey A man and his monkey walk into a bar. The man walks over to the counter and orders a drink. The monkey runs straight for the pool table and jumps on it. The monkey picks up one of the billiard balls and swallows it. The bartender says, ''Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?'' ''What?'' asked the man. ''He just ate my billiard ball!'' The man apologized to the pool players and paid the bartender 10 bucks for the ball, took his monkey and walked out. A week later the same man and his monkey walk in again. The man sits down and orders a drink. The monkey sits down by the man. After the man finishes his drink he starts to play pool. The monkey hops up on the counter and grabs a cherry and sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and then eats it. The bartender said, ''Hey man, did you see what your monkey just did?'' The man said, ''Yeah, I know, he measures it now!'' Lightbulbs vs Pregnant Women What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb? You can unscrew a lightbulb. Singled Out Q: What do the men in a singles bar have in common? A: They're all married. Bar & Donkey Fred and his brother, "Donkey" walk into a pub and Fred gets the first pint in and says, "I'll have a pint for me and a pint for Donkey." The two guys drink their pints and Fred says, "Right donkey your round; I'll have a pint of Guiness." Donkey walks up to the bar and says, "2 p p p p pints of g g g g Guiness p p p please." While donkey gets the pints, Fred goes to the toilet and the barman says, "Say, you shouldn't let him call you that stupid nickname." Donkey replies, "I know. He aw.. he aww... he awwwwww, he always calls me 'Donkey.'" Male Translations "No, really, I'm OK to drive." --I'm wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I am going home with. "I'm not used to these darts." --I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed. "You get this one, next round is on me." --We won't be here long enough to get another round. "I'll get this one, next one is on you." --Happy hour is about to end...now drafts are a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop. "Lets get out of here." --I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet. "Ever try a body shot?" (Male to female) --I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you. "I've had like 10 beers already." --I've only had 3 but need an excuse to behave this way. "Who's got the next round?" --I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention. "Excuse Me." (male to female) --I am going to grope you now. "I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning." --I owe that guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season. "What do you have on tap?" --What's cheap? All You Can Drink A man walks into a bar, sits down on a bench and orders a cold one. He swigs down the beer, looks in his pocket, cringes and orders another. He gulps down that one, looks in his pocket again, cringes and orders yet another one. This goes on for at least an hour and a half. Finally the bartender, bursting with curiousity, says, "I know it's none of my business buddy, but I have to ask. Why the whole "drink, look in pocket, cringe and order another one" routine?" "Well," slurred the man, "There's a picture of my wife in my pocket. When she starts to look good, then it's time for me to go home." A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding A cop pulls Jenna Bush over for speeding and he notices her eyes are red. He says, "Gee, your eyes look red. Have you been drinking?" Jenna replies, "No officer, but gee, your eyes look glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts? Puzzle Pieces Three blondes have just finished a jigsaw-puzzle so they decide to celebrate by going out. They walk into a bar chanting, "61 days 61 days!" The bartender gets curious and walks over to them and asks, "Why are you chanting 61 days?" One of the three answer, "Because the box said 3-6- years!" Two fraternity brothers... Two fraternity brothers decide to go sailing one afternoon and become lost. After twenty hours with nothing to eat or drink, one of them spots a lamp floating by. He picks it up and a genie pops out. The genie notices the poor condition of the brothers and grants them one wish between the two of them. After a lot of arguing over who gets the wish, one of them blurts out, "I wish the ocean was made of beer." Magically, the ocean turns to beer. Infuriated, the other guy yells, "You idiot! Now we have to piss in the boat!" Blind, Blonde, & Ballsy A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?" The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?" The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times." Le Parfumerie y le Blonde One day two blondes walk into a perfume shop. The one blonde picks up a bottle of perfume that is titled "Viens Chez Moi." The blonde asks the manager what it means, and the manager says it means, "Come to Me." So the blonde smells the perfume and asks her friend, "Does this smell like come to you? Because it doesn't smell like come to me." Cold Hands One weekend, a husband, and wife were up in the mountains and had been out for a walk. As soon as they got in, the husband complained that his hands were cold. "Go on," said his wife. "You can put your hands between my legs to warm them up." A little while later, the man went out to get some firewood, and complained of cold hands when he came back. "You can put your hands between my legs," said his wife, so he did. A while little later, he went to go get some apple cider at the store. When he came back, he said his hand were cold. Finally, his wife exploded, "Why can't your ears ever be cold!?!" Not Going To Try This Again A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse''s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. She starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
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