"This Sunday, February 11th, is a very important day in our nation’s history. It’s the one-year anniversary of Dick Cheney shooting an old man in the face. ... It could turn out to be the least damaging thing the Bush administration has done." ---Jimmy Kimmel -
"The principal of an Islamic school run by the government of Saudi Arabia has admitted that they use textbooks which describe Jewish people as "apes" and Christians as "pigs," and says they will continue to use them because they are appropriate for 5-year-olds. How lucky are we that the Saudis are our allies." ---Jay Leno
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"I have some sad news for 'the gays' (as they're referred to). Unfortunately, they have lost one of their own this evening. Ted Haggard, the evangelical preacher who, as you know, was caught doing meth and fucking dudes. The Denver Post is reporting that he is now 'completely heterosexual.' People say, 'How did they turn this clearly gay man into a heterosexual?' It's very simple. Y’know when you were a kid and your father caught you smoking...then he decided to make you smoke a carton? Ted's been a busy boy." ---Jon Stewart