January: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels... Helllloooo!!!... bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!
March: Got really excited - finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months... Box said "2-4 years!"
April: Trapped on escalator for hours... power went out!!!
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid... wrong instructions... 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June: Tried to go water skiing... couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July: Lost breaststroke swimming competition... learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August: Got locked out of my car in rain storm... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September: The capital of California is "C"... isn't it???
October: Hate M & M's... they are so hard to peel.
November: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days... instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!
December: Couldn't call 911... "duh"... there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!
What a year!
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP ! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer. After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, You wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair--given that you are blind --that you should know five things:
One, the bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
Two, the bouncer is a blonde girl.
Three, I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.
Four, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
Five, the lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."