Oh, Sarko! I know that your arched little eyebrow and sideways look hides a world of macho, Gallic pain! I am sorry that your trip left so little time for you to seek solace from the pain caused by that woman — solace I would have happily provided, had the Secret Service not kept me so far away from you the last couple of days!

I swear, I would’ve found the strength to smile politely at Laura as you kissed her hand and restrained my jealousy had I been by your side, knowing that I would have enough kisses later for myself.

This little bit of familiarity, though, I must admit would have made my head reel with jealousy. The man has a wife and a staff to brush away his lint, and doesn’t need you like I do.

My darling, I would have made you laugh and clap your hands like this with all my little witticisms and terrible French; you needn’t have relied on the foolishness of Dubya to make you laugh forget your troubles.

After this was over, I could have possibly explained to you why he seems so stupid when he talks. Or, you know, not.

But please, next time you come to town, could you ask your bodyguards not to pepper spray me? I’m much more attractive when my eyes aren’t swollen shut, I swear.

AP photos