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4play See other 4play Articles Title: I Met Barney Fife! (A Complete and Total Vanity) Okay, so we go to a neighboring town yesterday for an appointment, on the way back, we drop by WalMart. (I know, I know) So, I'm waiting for the significant other to get her hair cut and go outside for a minute to sit on the bench and take in the majestic beauty of the WalMart, outdoor plant & garden crap on display. It was that moment that it happened.. an Armored Vehicle rolls up, a diesel, snorting it's diesely snorts and generally sounding menacing. From the vehicle emerges, none other than Barney Fife! Or a darned good imitation of him, anyway. There are one or two other guys, which remain in the vehicle and out if sight, thus rendering them immune to my subsequent mocking and degradation. Fife himself, is armed & an older gentleman with salt and pepper colored hair. He quickly produces a two wheel hand truck and starts, cautiously and with not a little difficulty, stacking boxes of rolled coins on the platform of the truck. They stopped Pretty close to me and I was walking over to sit down when they arrived. Possibly thinking I was trying to get into a position to steal his precious 500lbs of coins and flee to some foreign country, he leers at me menacingly. (Or what passes for it in Fife circles, I suppose) This goes on for maybe 30 seconds and when I just look back at him, with no damn intention of moving whatsoever, he continues his duties. AND THEN! An old man drags his decaying carcass onto the sidewalk, lumbering towards the door.. probably after a new hemorrhoid cushion or a penis clip or something... The old guy sees him loading coins and says in that old guy, grandpa is pulling your leg kinda way: "You givin out any free samples today?" That did it! In response to this potentially deadly threat of force, Fife wheels around (No shit) and grabs the handgrip of his weapon (A revolver) and replies, with what apparently was intended to be a "command" voice: "What's the problem please?" The old guy, thinking Jhonny Law didn't hear him correctly repeats, in the same grandpa-esq tone: "You givin out any free samples today?" To which, Fife.. obviously prepared to dispense justice.. his 160lb frame twisted like a coiled snake, ready to strike the evil-doer, hand gripping the weapon even more tightly, repeats: "What's the problem please?" Grandpa now grasps the gravity of the situation.. It hits him like a ton of bricks! He's interfering with a man of the law! Obstructing his official duty! Obviously remorseful and frightened of the hulking Fife, he responds with: "Pshaw" and a hand wave before trundling into the entrance of the store. Possibly thinking I'm in ka-hoots with the aged, would be terrorist, Fife now re-trains his gaze on me.. the steely glint from his eye telling me to move, or he'll shot me where I sit. Of course, officer Fife's gun is held in the holster by a REALLY large velcro strap, which is fully engaged. Further, and to his detriment, it's a revolver.. so there's a shot at a cylinder grab. We're close enough, I can spring on him, take his gun away and stick it in his ass before sprinting away with the hundreds of pounds of boxed coins which still beckon to me from the platform of the truck. Somehow, with what can only be accurately described as a superhuman effort, I suppress my criminal instincts and just stare back at him. After about 30 seconds he returns to his duties.. Probably angry that potentially criminal civilians, like the ones he's encountered this day, are allowed to littler his route. The end.
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#1. To: Jhoffa_ (#0)
Hilarious - thanks. Around here, many of the coin movers are of the fat, anglo, female persuasion; but they exit their tin boxes with the same look of the imminent need to hose down any civilians standing in their way of exchanging worthless metal for worthless paper. Cheers.
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