Title: Joke - Source:
dinner table URL Source:[None] Published:Nov 22, 2007 Author:refuses to be named Post Date:2007-11-22 17:10:02 by Peppa Keywords:None Views:1575 Comments:47
Two blondes.
One says to the other, Which do you think is farther away from us, Florida, or the moon.
The other says, Duhhhhhhhhh, You can SEE the moon can't you?
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.
After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.
"That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?" No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."
What's your name?" she asked. He said, "Bob Titsnbeer"
My neices were setting the dinner table one day, they were probably age 5 and 7, and the little one asked, what side do you put the spoon on. The smartaleck answered, well you put it on the "up" side. Noooooooo, what siiiiiiiiiide do you put the spoon on the table. Smarty said, it doesn't matter, the table doesn't use the spoon, peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeple do. Stupid.
Guess that settled it.
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A tour bus was traveling down the interstate shortly after dusk when the driver came on the intercom and announced they would be getting off at the next exit,15 miles up the road, for supper.
A few minutes passed and a little old lady walked up to the driver to complain about being sexually assulted by a little bald man near the back of the bus. The driver told her to please take your seat and I'll take care of him when we stop for supper. The lady returned to her seat.
Another minute passes and a second lady approaches the driver complaining she also was sexually assulted by a little bald man sitting near the back of the bus. The driver immediately pulled the bus over to the berm, put it in park, and set the hand brake. He immediately went to the back of the bus to confront the little bald man.
He said," What are you doing down there mister"? The little bald man said, "Its like this. You woke me up when you came on the intercom telling us to make ourselves presentable as we would be stopping for supper . Apparently I fell asleep and someone using the toilet at the back of the bus must have walked by and knocked my toupe off. I've been crawling around on my hands and knees in the dark looking for it, thought I found it twice but they were parted in the middle, I part my toupe on the left."
The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.
He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"
The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he's afraid to Cough!"
Bubba Bill and Junior Bush were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A blonde lady walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bubba Bill, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and an enounced, "Eighteen feet, six inches," and walked away.
Junior Bush shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length."
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration, "CRAP ! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!"
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. Detective Peridome who was conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth."
After saying all that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"
The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"
"Yes! He only has one ear!"
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and was figuring to himself, "This is probably a waste of time, but. . . " He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"
The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blond with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that just by looking at his picture?"
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo Detective! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, "It's Lent ."
Breaking down in tears and sobbing, she eventually was able to speak coherently long enough to say, "Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?"
My wife had to work yesterday's holiday at the nursing home at which she is employed.
An old gal who has long since reached the point of dementia to which, sadly, many of us are destined, rolled her wheelchair up beside a man sitting in his and promptly queried him.
"Would you like to screw me?"
Two nurses standing nearby heard her, broke up, and immediately spread the story around the facility, thereby lightening their holiday duty.
Republicans (Democrats for that matter) ....... HAD ENOUGH?
My wife had to work yesterday's holiday at the nursing home at which she is employed.
An old gal who has long since reached the point of dementia to which, sadly, many of us are destined, rolled her wheelchair up beside a man sitting in his and promptly queried him.
"Would you like to screw me?"
Two nurses standing nearby heard her, broke up, and immediately spread the story around the facility, thereby lightening their holiday duty.
Awww! LOL! Bless your wife for doing such a job. There are only a few very special people that can.
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LOL. Unfortunately, it doesn't have to be just as nursing homes.
Back in Montana before my hubby died, we had gone to have lunch at some friends' home. The father of the man of the house had entered Alzheimers. He was such a wonderfully nice fella. Had worked for the county all his life; his wife had been a school teacher, and just happened to wear the pants in the family; and the son was their only child; and he was adopted.
Anyways, after a short bit of visiting, it is time to sit down at the luncheon table.
Poppa Bill was set between myself and the son. In no time, everyone was busily eating and chatting. Bill's wife got up to go to the bathroom, and almost as if on cue, he turns to me and says, 'ya wanna go up to our cabin with me and have sex?"
I, having read up some on Alzheimers, wasn't affected, didn't miss a stroke, and just said, well not now, and went on talking about whatever had been the topic of discussion.
However, poor son. He was beet red, stammering, stuttering, and trying to get his Dad up and out of there while I was trying to calm him down, assuring him it was no big deal, no offense, blah blah blah.
Bill would have never even said shit had he stepped in a pile, and I know he would never had thought to sneak around on Alice--he was scared spitless of her, I think!
Sadly, it quickly reached the point where Bill was put in a nursing facility, and he died within 2 years--not recognizing anyone. And that not recognizing people is what tormented his son.
Anyways, I always think of this luncheon when someone mentions dementia or Alzheimers.
Sadly, it quickly reached the point where Bill was put in a nursing facility, and he died within 2 years--not recognizing anyone.
It's way past enougn to make you cry, so you might as well laugh at times. Bill and, especially, his family were blessed.
My Mom lived for years with this terrible affliction, way past the point when she no longer recognized me. You can't imagine my sadness as I passed through this stage of of my life, walking down the halls of the nursing home surrounded by all the poor souls living through this half-life.
I carried plenty of anger too, as I watched the huge fund raisers for AIDS "victims" and the gazzilions of dollars spent on research for a cure. All the while thousands of families suffered through a loved one's hopeless existence.
Well back to good jokes .... spending too much time on the dementia topic can be depressing in the extreme.
Republicans (Democrats for that matter) ....... HAD ENOUGH?
Awww! LOL! Bless your wife for doing such a job. There are only a few very special people that can.
Peppa, it's been decades since she worked in a hospital. She has pretty much devoted her life to this work.
I couldn't do it. But she comes home often with a smile on her face and little stories like this latest one.
She tries not to get too attached to individuals, but she occasionally comes home with tears in her eyes too.
She's had a patient the last couple of years that she just adores. It's going to be tough on her when Margaret passes on.
She came home last week with a little story about another favorite. Linda, who's real close to the century mark, said to her "Honey, I just can't seem to shake this cold, I must be getting old". ;-)
Republicans (Democrats for that matter) ....... HAD ENOUGH?
The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo Detective! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."
LOL
Rowdee, you remind me of a buddy I had in high school.
On those lazy, carefree days when a bunch of us would gather on a porch or just lay around on the grass, Don could tell one joke after another for a whole blessed afternoon.
Republicans (Democrats for that matter) ....... HAD ENOUGH?
An old gal who has long since reached the point of dementia to which, sadly, many of us are destined
Not to get off the joke topic, but it IS sad that "many are destined" to wind up with Alzheimer's, ALS (Lou Gherig's), Parkinson's, or other neurological degenerative diseases such as these.
WHY it is so sad is because for most people it can be PREVENTED.
The leading cause of these diseases are diet. In particular, excitotoxins are a main culprit. MSG (which IS "hidden" under about 30 different names on food labels) and Aspartame are 2 of the worst. There is an excellent book on the subject - Excitotoxins: The Taste That Kills by Russell Blaylock that I highly recommend for anyone interested in trying to avoid becoming a sad statistic.
Another major culprit is aluminum. The biggest contributor of aluminum in the diet is aluminum cookware. You can boil water in an aluminum pot, and if you send in a sample of that water to a lab it will show aluminum in it...
Prevention truly IS the best medicine! Once you've contracted one of these diseases (as we all know) there is no cure for it. HOWEVER, it can be stopped from progressing any worse. Again diet is the key. Another book I highly recommend is Rare Earths Forbidden Cures by Joel Wallach. Good stuff!
Just wanted to let everybody know.. NOW, back to the jokes - I've been enjoying the laughs!
America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards. On the road to tyranny, we've gone so far that polite political action is about as useless as a miniskirt in a convent. Claire Wolfe
The true measure of success is not what you have, but what you can do without. H. Jackson Brown
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him ".
America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards. On the road to tyranny, we've gone so far that polite political action is about as useless as a miniskirt in a convent. Claire Wolfe
The true measure of success is not what you have, but what you can do without. H. Jackson Brown
Actually, I cheat. I keep a file folder in my DRAFT file in my mailbox, with labels for various types of jokes. One is devoted to blondes!! Have to be able to laugh at ourselves now and again.
Aren't some memories grand? Speaking of high school, I am still friends with the girl I went thru junior hi and hi school with. We were locker partners the whole time, both hall lockers and gym lockers. We even won an art award in the same year, and were recognized in a big ceremony in downtown Los Angeles.
Carole went on to college, with degrees in at least two fields that I'm aware of--as an only child, she was privy to many of the finer things of life, but she maintained a down to earth attitude and demeanor her whole life.
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely, Mrs.. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
My spelling is Wobbly. It's good spelling but it Wobbles, and the letters get in the wrong places. -- Winnie the Pooh
America is at that awkward stage. It's too late to work within the system, but too early to shoot the bastards. On the road to tyranny, we've gone so far that polite political action is about as useless as a miniskirt in a convent. Claire Wolfe
The true measure of success is not what you have, but what you can do without. H. Jackson Brown
Peppa, it's been decades since she worked in a hospital. She has pretty much devoted her life to this work.
I couldn't do it. But she comes home often with a smile on her face and little stories like this latest one.
She tries not to get too attached to individuals, but she occasionally comes home with tears in her eyes too.
She's had a patient the last couple of years that she just adores. It's going to be tough on her when Margaret passes on.
She came home last week with a little story about another favorite. Linda, who's real close to the century mark, said to her "Honey, I just can't seem to shake this cold, I must be getting old". ;-)
I can see why Linda is a favorite.
I have to say that I believe one of the greatest gifts a society can have, is the fullness of age in their population.
Grace, perserverance, humor, humility, patience, kindness and persnicketiness, most of all bravery, are sometimes in short supply in our youth, or 'advanced youth'. ;)
Learning to roll with the punches, without a program or a safety net, is an under appreciated skill.
Great post Iconclast, Thank you.
You must be registered with the correct party to vote for Ron Paul in states with CLOSED PRIMARIES.
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Prevention truly IS the best medicine! Once you've contracted one of these diseases (as we all know) there is no cure for it. HOWEVER, it can be stopped from progressing any worse. Again diet is the key. Another book I highly recommend is Rare Earths Forbidden Cures by Joel Wallach. Good stuff!
Great info Innie.
I'm putting my aluminum foil on my watch list.
;)
I think I will make your book recommendation a Christmas gift.
You must be registered with the correct party to vote for Ron Paul in states with CLOSED PRIMARIES.
Click Primarily Paul and scroll down to the State by State chart.
Folic acid, vitamins B6 and B12 are now widely advocated for people over 55 years, as they have been shown to fight elevated homocystein, a toxic amino acid, linked to memory loss and dementia. But those are not the only B vitamins that may boost your memory. The PubMed data base has hundreds of documents suggesting that also thiamin (B1) and niacin (B3) are equally important.
Elderly people who get relatively low amounts of these B vitamins in their diets may be more likely to develop Alzheimer's within the next few years than others. Here is the latest research on niacin, presented this week at the Gerontological Society of America's 55th Annual Scientific Meeting in Boston, Massachusetts