[Home] [Headlines] [Latest Articles] [Latest Comments] [Post] [Sign-in] [Mail] [Setup] [Help]
Status: Not Logged In; Sign In
|
History See other History Articles Title: Pilgrims: a brief history of Thanksgiving from Dickipedia, a wiki of dicks: ‘The Pilgrims’ is the name commonly applied to a particular group of seventeenth-century European colonial dicks. They settled in present-day Plymouth, Massachusetts. They were a religious congregation, which is not the only reason they were dicks, though it is, nevertheless, one of the reasons. The Pilgrims had originally fled a volatile political environment in the East Midlands of England for the Netherlands. But once in the Netherlands, the Pilgrims’ level of dickishness was such that they couldn’t live even in the Netherlands. Many have asked, what kind of dick would find the Netherlands too intolerant or too constraining? The answer is the Pilgrims. Afraid of losing their cultural identity through misdickination, or intermarriage between they and non-dicks, the colonists decided to form a new colony in North America, securing funding from English investors. Historians often note that virtually every dick situation can ultimately trace its start back to investment bankers. The colonists faced many challenges, from disease to internal conflict to the people whose land they had stolen. Fortunately, they were able to withstand the former and slaughter the latter, and went on to become the second successful English settlement in what would later become the United States of America, and their dick spirit became an important force in American cultural identity. Separatists The people who would come to be known as the "Pilgrims" were followers of a man named Richard Clyfton (sic) a parson at All Saints' Parish Church in Babworth, East Retford, Nottinghamshire. Though religion is generally considered to be the reason they left, absurd names like “Babworth” and “Nottinghamshire” might have contributed. Also the fact that the English call sweaters “jumpers” and French toast “eggy bread.” The Pilgrims considered themselves to be “Separatists,” that is, to be separate from non-dicks, and, also, the rituals and traditions of the Church of England. The Pilgrims are sometimes confused with the Puritans. The two groups are similar, though the Puritans maintained their allegiance to the Church of England. Both, however, went on to contribute to the sexual dysfunction and insecurity of American conservatives, which, in turn, has been the guiding force behind American foreign policy in the early years of the 21st century. In 1606, William Brewster, from the silly town of Scrooby, arranged for a congregation to meet, with Clyfton as pastor. In 1608, this congregation joined with two others in the Netherlands city of Leiden. Of that period, congregation member William Bradford wrote: “For these & other other reasons they removed to Leyden, a fair & bewtifull citie, and of a sweete situation, but made more famous by ye universitie wherwith it is adorned, in which of late had been so many learned man. But wanting that traffike by sea which Amerstdam injoyes, it was not so beneficiall for their outward means of living & estats.” Clearly, good spelling was also among the things the congregation has separated itself from. Decision to leave In 1617, fearing that their children were, as Bradford put it, being "drawn away by evil examples into extravagance and dangerous courses,” such as good spelling, the Pilgrims decided to leave. The group's leaders needed to secure a land patent for North America, so they were dispatched to England where, naturally, the division of land was adjudicated for the native Americans, since the latter couldn’t read and would soon be dead anyway. Voyage In 1620, a small ship, Speedwell, was procured. A second, larger ship, The Mayflower, would depart later. After two attempts, Speedwell made it only as far as Devon. The Pilgrims abandoned Speedwell, and in September 1620, 121 passengers set forth to North America. Arrival in America The Pilgrims arrived in November 1620. Because the charter with their investors was incomplete upon arrival, a brief contract, later to be called the “Mayflower Compact” was drafted, promising cooperation among the settlers "for the general good of the Colony unto which we promise all due submission and obedience.” The native Americans, of course, did not sign, but the need for their obedience would later be brought to their attention. By December, most of the them had become ill, with many suffering from scurvy. During the first winter, 47% of them died. In retrospect, such incompetence, lack of planning and arrogant underestimation of difficulty is somewhat surprising, given that the descendants of the Pilgrims later came to be known as “The America ruling class.” Contact Exploration for a permanent settlement site continued. One morning in December, they were met by native people who shot at them with arrows. The colonists shot back, and then chased the natives into the woods. There was no contact with natives for several months, but the Pilgrims had sent a message: a bunch of huge dicks have landed in your country. This will not be good for you. One reasons the natives in that area might have been holding a slight grudge against Europeans was because several years earlier a dick named Thomas Hunt had kidnapped twenty-seven people from Patuxet (later New Plymouth) and Nausett. He then attempted to sell them as slaves in Europe. One of these abductees was Tisquantum. Thanksgiving Tisquantum, or Squanto, had been abducted once before his abduction by Hunt. The first time was 1608, after which he was enslaved and spent several years in England. After returning to the New World in 1613, Squanto was abducted again, by Hunt, in 1614. Hunt then tried to sell Squanto for 20 pounds. Some friars found out about it, however, and intervened on humanitarian grounds. Just kidding. They objected because they thought Squanto should first be forcibly indoctrinated with Christianity. Squanto escaped to London, and finally made it back home in 1619. But his tribe was gone. While Squanto had been away, they had been the recipients of a gift from the Europeans called “The Plague.” Sadly, many of the natives received their gift even before the Europeans could civilize them enough to teach them the tradition of the “thank you note.” Tisquantum finally settled with the Pilgrims in Plymouth. He taught them how to catch eel, plant corn and fertilize their crops. He died, however, before he could teach them how not to be dicks. After their first harvest in 1621, the Pilgrims set apart a holiday of food, feasting, and praising God. This later came to be called “Thanksgiving,” a holiday of overeating, forced time with undesirable relatives, and shopping.
Post Comment Private Reply Ignore Thread
|
||
|
[Home]
[Headlines]
[Latest Articles]
[Latest Comments]
[Post]
[Sign-in]
[Mail]
[Setup]
[Help]
|
||