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(s)Elections See other (s)Elections Articles Title: The Iowa caucus: insignificant, yet overly complicated The Iowa caucus: insignificant, yet overly complicated Enjoy it, Hawkeye State, because in a few hours we're gonna forget all about you for another four years. Everybody knows the Iowa caucus is the first major event of each party's presidential nomination process. Everybody knows the results often determine which candidates remain in the race and which ones will carpool with Dennis Kucinich back to Washington. But nobody really knows exactly how the Iowa caucus works. Do Iowans count up ballots to choose a candidate like most civilized states? No. Do they have some sort of electoral college system? Not really. Are the voting procedures similar to those portrayed in the adult film classic "Iowa Cock-us"? Sort of. Is there really an adult film called "Iowa Cock-us"? There oughta be. Apparently, even some Iowans are confused as to how their own crazy system works. 23/6 obtained a memo, sent earlier this week by the Iowa Elections Board to each of the state's 1784 precincts. Follow these guidelines, and your precinct's caucus will be well on its way toward nominating top tier candidates like Walter Mondale and Edmund Muskie. OFFICIAL IOWA CAUCUS PROCEDURES January 2008 Dear Iowa Precinct Chairperson, In just a few short days, you will orchestrate one of the 1784 "gatherings of neighbors" that first chooses the next nominees for President of the United States. Iowa takes its role as America's electoral cherry-popper quite seriously, so please adhere strictly to the following guidelines. Your first duty is deciding where to hold your precinct's caucus. Common locations include public schools, town halls and church basements, but don't let that dissuade you from choosing more "out of the box" sites such as hospital delivery rooms, the back of a moving U-Haul truck, or one of those human-sized cages you see go-go dancers gyrating inside. Next, you must ensure all voters in your caucus meet state specifications. Each participant must be a registered Republican or Democrat who can prove residency in Iowa. 17-year-olds are allowed, provided they will turn 18 by the date of the general election. But seriously, do you really want 17-year-olds at your caucus with their baggy dungarees and booming rap-pods? While it is illegal to deny them entry to your caucus, there is no rule against reminding them of all the degrading reality TV shows they will be missing if they choose to stay. Your caucus must begin at 6:30 p.m. sharp on Thursday, January 3. All attendees must line up to register between 6:30 p.m. and 7 p.m. Standard Iowa line-waiting etiquette applies, including "no cut-sies" and "no saving spots." "Back-cuts" are allowed provided a majority of those waiting in line agree. If your caucus is Republican, candidate preference is conducted via a simple straw vote. However, if your precinct elects only one delegate, it should be by majority vote through a paper ballot. If the majority of caucus attendees are male, then the type of paper used in the paper ballot should be something cheaply available at Staples or another nearby office supply retailer. If the majority is female, then the ballot should be made of some overpriced textured card stock only found at froofy specialty stationary stores. If there is an equal amount of each gender, then all participants should form a circle and use a black sharpie to write their choice on the back of the shirt being worn by the person in front of them. If your caucus is Democratic, you might want to take a quick belt of Scotch because things are about to get complicated. Participants should indicate their support for a particular candidate by forming a "preference group," which entails standing together in a designated area of the caucus site. For example, if your caucus is being held in a video store, all supporters of Barack Obama could gather near the "New Releases" section and all supporters of Mike Gravel could gather near the "No Chance in Hell" section. But wait, we're not done. Once preference groups are established, a "viability threshold" must be determined. If a candidate's preference group is comprised of less than 15% of the total votes, that candidate is temporarily eliminated and a second round of voting is held. Supporters of non-viable candidates may now join a viable candidate's preference group, join another non-viable candidate group to possibly make it viable, or join other supporters of non-viable candidates to form an uncommitted group. If any given group still fails to meet the 15% requirement, then each voter in that group must blindfold themselves and attempt to sculpt a block of clay into a likeness of their preferred candidate's head. The most accurate-looking five heads are then stacked into a totem pole and covered in gasoline to be torched on the front steps of the caucus site as a visible symbol to Democratic party helicopters that this is going to be a long night and several pizzas must be airlifted in to sustain voters as they continue marching back and forth between different corners of the room. Democratic caucuses often last for weeks, with at least one known caucus from the 2004 election still in progress. Dick Gephardt currently holds a slim lead. Good luck, and may Iowa-style democracy continue choosing the leader of the free world! Sincerely, The Iowa Elections Board.
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#1. To: kiki (#0)
That one's funny too! I love this website.
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! fun ping
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! Thanks for posting this.
Classic - thanks. That's about what my friend in the IA told me. Totally bizarre, and wrong.
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