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Title: A Scottish Joke
Source: http://www.visitdunkeld.com
URL Source: http://www.visitdunkeld.com/scots-jokes2.htm
Published: Jan 27, 2008
Author: http://www.visitdunkeld.com
Post Date: 2008-01-27 12:30:39 by robin
Keywords: None
Views: 247
Comments: 12

While walking down the street in Edinburgh one day a Member of the Scottish Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.

"No problem, just let me in," says the MSP.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the MSP.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and blether about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Scottish people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is very friendly who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the MSP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."

The MSP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I don't understand," stammers the MSP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened?

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."

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#1. To: robin (#0)

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."

how apropos! ;)

christine  posted on  2008-01-29   1:00:16 ET  Reply   Untrace   Trace   Private Reply  


#2. To: christine (#1)

Here's another one, very different....

After thirty years of dating, at last, one beautiful evening on the Isle of Skye, Jean thought it was time to ask the question.

"Sandy," she breathed, "is it not about time we were getting married ?"

After a heavy silence. Sandy sighed.

"Yes, Jean, it is."

A hopeful gleam spread over Jean.

"Yes, Jean, it is. But who would have us ?"

robin  posted on  2008-01-29   1:03:10 ET  Reply   Untrace   Trace   Private Reply  


#3. To: All (#2)

A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him.

She asks, "Would you like some food? "The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis.

When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey.

The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?"

"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"

robin  posted on  2008-01-29   1:04:22 ET  Reply   Untrace   Trace   Private Reply  


#4. To: All (#3)

A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed.

So he says; "What's all this about?"

She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old".

To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?"

"Your name never came up." She replies!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.

The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'

And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .

robin  posted on  2008-01-29   1:06:53 ET  Reply   Untrace   Trace   Private Reply  


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