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Title: A Scottish Joke
Source:
http://www.visitdunkeld.com
URL Source: http://www.visitdunkeld.com/scots-jokes2.htm
Published: Jan 27, 2008
Author: http://www.visitdunkeld.com
Post Date: 2008-01-27 12:30:39 by robin
Keywords: None
Views: 262
Comments: 12
While walking down the street in Edinburgh one day a Member of the Scottish Parliament is tragically hit by a bus and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around here, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you. "No problem, just let me in," says the MSP. "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the MSP. "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and blether about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the Scottish people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is very friendly who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the lift rises. The lift goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit heaven." So, 24 hours pass with the MSP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity." The MSP reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell." So St. Peter escorts him to the lift and he goes down, down, down to hell. Now the doors of the lift open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder "I don't understand," stammers the MSP. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of rubbish and my friends look miserable. What happened? The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."
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#1. To: robin (#0)
how apropos! ;)
The only solution to this mess is to dig a hole big enough to nudge them all in and cover quickly
Here's another one, very different.... After thirty years of dating, at last, one beautiful evening on the Isle of Skye, Jean thought it was time to ask the question. "Sandy," she breathed, "is it not about time we were getting married ?" After a heavy silence. Sandy sighed. "Yes, Jean, it is." A hopeful gleam spread over Jean. "Yes, Jean, it is. But who would have us ?"
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised! A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island. As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad nymph standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food? "The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week and I am verra hungry!" She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping helping of haggis. When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like something to drink?" "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra thirsty and I wad verra much like a drink!" She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of 75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to think that he's in heaven when the unclad nymph leans closer and says, "Would you like to play around?" "Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised! A woman is looking to re-enter the work force, now that her kids are all grown up. But before applying anywhere she goes tae the doctors' fae a wee physical before takin' oan a new joab. When she returns her hubby notices she's just bustin' wi' pride and all chuffed. So he says; "What's all this about?" She says, "I've just been tae the doctors' and he said I've got the body of a twenty year old, and the heart of a 16 year old". To which her hubby fires back..."What about your 50 year old ass?" "Your name never came up." She replies! ------------------------------------------------------------------------- There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English bastard again .
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised! Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? Because sheep can hear a zipper for miles. Why do bagpipers march when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise!
Ahem, very amusing from an English point of view.
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised! A few short jokes... # How many Englishmen does it take to batter down a castle gate? 10,000, 100 to hold the ram and 9,900 to move the castle back and forth. # Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch? # As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds. One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat. # A Scottish prayer - "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth. But show us where it is!" # McNab had become a bit hard of hearing but he didn't want to pay for a hearing aid. So bought a piece of flex, put one end in his top pocket and the other end in his ear. It didn't help his hearing but he found that people spoke to him more loudly. # McTavish took his girlfriend out for the evening. They returned to her flat just before midnight and as she kissed him goodnight she said: "Be careful on your way home. I'd hate anyone to rob you of all the money you've saved this evening." # By mistake, Sandy put a 50 pence coin instead of 5 pence on the collection plate at church. Despite his entreaties, the minister refused to give it back to him. So for the next nine weeks, when the plate was passed round, he passed it on saying "Season ticket." # Scottish preacher to his congregation: "I don't mind you putting buttons in the collection plate, but please provide your own buttons. Stop pulling them off the church cushions." # Another Scottish preacher is said to have prayed thus after a particularly unproductive collection: "We thank you Lord that the plate was returned safely." # Jock McTavish." A Scotsman decided to get married so one morning he sent messages to three of his girlfriends, proposing marriage. Two phoned immediately to say "yes' while the third phoned that night to say the same. He married the third girl saying, "The lass for me is the one who waits for the cheap rates." # Why are Scotsmen so good at golf? They realise that the fewer times they hit the ball the longer it will last. # You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean. There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said "If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper." # There was a Scottish tradesman, a painter called Jock, who was very interested in making a pound where he could, so he often would thin down paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Presbyterian Church decided to do a big restoration job on the roof of one their biggest churches. Jock put in a bid, and because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he set to, with a right good will, erecting the trestles and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, we're sorry to say, thinning it down with the turpentine. Well, Jock was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, and the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the paint from all over the church and knocking Jock fair off the scaffold to land on the lawn, among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint. Jock was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got on his knees and cried: "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?" And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke: "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more!"
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised! When you're really bored this is an amusing Scottish website, that never takes itself too seriously.
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised! Glasgow Banter: A. The accused A Glaswegian stops before a graveyard in a Gorbals cemetery, and notices a carved tombstone declaring, "Here lies a lawyer and an honest man..." "Ach, who'd ever think..." he murmered, "there'd be enough room fer two men in that one wee grave..."
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised! There was a lot of Helen Duncan. Tipping the scales at over 22 stones, this Callendar born lass would have made an ideal Weight Watchers customer. But it isn't for her weight that Hellish Nell will be remembered but as the last person to be tried under the 1735 Witchcraft Act. Helen Duncan was a throwback to vaudeville. She was a "medium" who put on a great show at seances which were popular the length and breadth of Britain. Usually, if they got on the wrong side of the law, folk like Helen were tried under fraud legislation. So, why was Hellish Nell so special ? It's all down to World War Two and the misnomer that was the "Intelligence Service". In December 1941 the British battleship HMS Barnham was sunk. This fact was kept secret until January 1942. At a seance shortly after the sinking but before it was publicly announced, Hellish Nell materialised a vision of a drowned sailor, with the HMS Barnham ribbon on his hat. The woman was obviously a danger to national security. In 1944 in of the most sensational episodes in wartime Britain, Hellish Nell was tried and convicted at the Old Bailey for summoning spirits. She was sentenced to nine months imprisonment. Why was there a three year gap between the offence and the trial ? Enter the "Intelligence Services". In 1944 preparations for D-Day were far advanced. Anything that compromised security and secrecy was dangerous. And so were charlatans like Helen Duncan. So, into chokey she went. It was a notorious trial and caught the attention of Winston Churchill who thought it a bloody nonsense but was overruled by the Secret Service. The harassment of Helen Duncan continued right up to her death in Nottingham in 1956. Something to do with the British spirit of fair play ? From another source: Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised! 25th November 1941 Barnham was hit by 3 torpedoes and sunk.
In December 1941 the British battleship HMS Barnham was sunk. This fact was kept secret until January 1942. At a seance shortly after the sinking but before it was publicly announced, Hellish Nell materialised a vision of a drowned sailor, with the HMS Barnham ribbon on his hat. The woman was obviously a danger to national security. firstfoot's version, the other link has more details... Yes, she managed to get one right and they freaked. Nothing like drawing attention to ones self!
Ron Paul for President - Join a Ron Paul Meetup group today! The Revolution will not be televised!The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. ....Today you voted."
#2. To: christine (#1)
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
#3. To: All (#2)
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
#4. To: All (#3)
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
#5. To: robin, christine (#0)
#6. To: HOUNDDAWG (#5)
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
#7. To: All (#0)
(Edited)
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
#8. To: All (#7)
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
#9. To: All (#8)
(Edited)
Q. If you see a Glaswegian on a bicycle,why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It's probably your bicycle
Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a suit?
Q. Why does the River Clyde run through Glasgow?
A. Because if it walked it would be mugged
Q. What do you call a Glaswegian in a three-bedroom house?
A. A burglar
Q. Why wasn't Jesus born in Glasgow?
A. Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin
Q. What do you say to a Glaswegian in a uniform?
A. Big Mac & Fries, please
Q. What's the first question at a Glasgow pub quiz?
A. What are you looking at?
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
#10. To: All (#8)
a sample from www.firstfoot.com
HELEN DUNCAN "Hellish Nell" (1897 - 1956)
Helen Duncan- Scotland's last witch
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
#11. To: robin (#10)
#12. To: buckeye (#11)
It's all down to World War Two and the misnomer that was the "Intelligence Service".
I would rather be exposed to the inconveniences attending too much liberty than to those attending too small a degree of it.-T Jefferson
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