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Title: Translating Men's and Women's English
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Published: Apr 11, 2008
Author: Email
Post Date: 2008-04-11 20:52:09 by YertleTurtle
Keywords: None
Views: 112
Comments: 9
DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS: 40-ish........................................49 Adventurous...................................Slept with everyone Athletic......................................No tits Average looking...............................Moooo Beautiful.....................................Pathological liar Buxom.........................................Fat Emotionally Secure............................On medication Feminist......................................Fat Free spirit..................................Junkie Friendship first..............................Former slut New-Age.......................................Body hair in the wrong places Old-fashioned.................................No BJs Open-minded...................................Desperate Outgoing......................................Loud and Embarrassing Professional..................................Bitch Voluptuous....................................Very Fat Large frame..................................Hugely Fat Wants Soul mate...............................Stalker WOMEN'S ENGLISH: Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I am sorry = you'll be sorry We need to talk = You're in trouble Sure, go ahead = You better not Do what you want = You will pay for this later I am not upset = Of course I am pissed, you moron! You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH: I am hungry = I am hungry I am sleepy = I am sleepy I am tired = I am tired Nice dress = Nice boobs! I love you = Let's have sex now I am bored = Do you want to have sex? May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you Do you want to go to a movie?= I'd like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
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#1. To: YertleTurtle (#0)
The Secrets of Women's Language - A must-read for any man Keywords and their meanings: "Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments. "Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade. "Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine". "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine". "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off. : This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing". : Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content. "Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them. "That's Okay": This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble. "Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay". "Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome. "Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing". I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...
Hahahaha That's funny. Why have you not yet responded to my flying Chihuahua picture that I labored over for you?
I missed it.
"The evil man is the child grown strong" - Thomas Hobbes
Women as explained by an engineer: This is what happened to me once: "Do these pants make my butt look fat?" "You look fine." "You just said these pants make my butt look fat!" "I did not." "You did too!" Repeat until the end of time.
"The evil man is the child grown strong" - Thomas Hobbes
One for the ladies One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat- shirt. And they say blondes are dumb... Q: Why do little boys whine? I need your address so I can kill you.
"The evil man is the child grown strong" - Thomas Hobbes
Vote Republicrat or Democin, it doesn't matter, you still get McHillobama
#2. To: YertleTurtle (#0)
Feminist......................................Fat
"When I despair, I remember that all through history the way of truth and love has always won. There have been tyrants and murderers and for a time they seem invincible but in the end, they always fall -- think of it, ALWAYS." ~ Mahatma Ghandi
#3. To: wudidiz (#2)
Why have you not yet responded to my flying Chihuahua picture that I labored over for you?
#4. To: YertleTurtle, *Humor-Weird News* (#0)
Vote Republicrat or Democin, it doesn't matter, you still get McHillobama
#5. To: YertleTurtle, wudidiz (#3)
Vote Republicrat or Democin, it doesn't matter, you still get McHillobama
#6. To: farmfriend (#1)
"Fine"
#7. To: christine (#3)
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.
The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
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Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"
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Send this to five bright, funny women you know and make their day!
And send this to five bright men who have enough sense of humor to take it!
Vote Republicrat or Democin, it doesn't matter, you still get McHillobama
#8. To: farmfriend (#7)
#9. To: YertleTurtle (#8)
Vote Republicrat or Democin, it doesn't matter, you still get McHillobama
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