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Title: Rush Limbaugh Goes to War
Source:
Strike-the-Root
URL Source: http://www.strike-the-root.com/51/wallace/wallace8.html
Published: Jul 4, 2005
Author: Bob Wallace
Post Date: 2005-07-04 08:08:01 by YertleTurtle
Keywords: Limbaugh, Rush, Goes
Views: 85
Comments: 4
The place: Rush Limbaugh's front porch. Rush: (watching TV) Okay, now throw the ball here. Now throw it there. Soldier: What're you doing, Mr. Limbaugh? Rush: Directing the war from my armchair! Oops! Another brave patriot just made the ultimate sacrifice to bring liberty to oppressed people! And to bring Jesus back! And to make sure my SUV has plenty of gas! Say, how do you like my $20 million mansion? Pretty good for a loudmouth and college dropout, huh? Soldier: You've been drafted, Mr. Limbaugh. Rush: Ha, ha! Very funny! Hand me my putter, will you? I need a break from running the war from this side of the world. Soldier: I'm serious, Mr. Limbaugh. You've been drafted. You'll leave for the front lines in Iraq in a few weeks. Rush: This is a riot! Hey, Marta, come listen to this! OOPS, I forgot, I divorced her, too, just like the first two! Soldier: Listen carefully, Mr. Limbaugh. I'm totally serious. You've been drafted. Now please come with me. Rush: You really are serious, aren't you? Soldier: Yes, I am. You've been drafted. Now please come with me. Rush: Hey, now wait just a minute! Forget that I'm now a cheerleader for the military! I avoided the draft like the plague because I was afraid I'd have to go to Vietnam ! So I have no intention of fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan ! (Grabs his knee) Ow! Ow! I have a hurt knee from high school football! I can't go! Soldier: Your high school football coach said you never hurt your knee. Rush: Liars! A vast left-wing conspiracy to discredit me! Next thing they'll say I was a dope addict who doctor-hopped to get prescriptions! And those painkillers did not damage my hearing! Or my brain! Soldier: There's a van waiting at the curb for you, Mr. Limbaugh. Rush: Ow! Ow! I have a pilondal cyst on my butt! Sorry! I can't go with you! Soldier: A simple operation will fix that problem. Rush: Hillary put you up to this, didn't she? I tell you, I'm not going! My place is to tell others how to run the war, not fight it myself! Soldier: Goodness, Mr. Limbaugh, you sure seem have lost your gonads when you have to put your money where your mouth is. Rush: I don't have any gonads, just mouth! Why do you think I read FreeRepublic? Soldier: Are you going to come peaceably, or do I have to drag you? Rush: I'm not going! Go draft some minorities, like that throw-a-way po' white trash Lynndie England ! I'm rich and politically connected! I don't have to fight! Just ask any member of Congress! Do you see any of their kids in Iraq ? I'll -- I'll get a deferment, just like the five Dick Cheney got to avoid Vietnam ! I'll join the National Guard like that inbred dry-drunk George Bush! He owes me a favor for defending him on my radio program and pretending he's never made a mistake! Soldier: Okay, Mr. Limbaugh, we'll do it the hard way. Rush: Help! Help! Mommy! Daddy! Somebody! Anybody! Let go of my ankles! Soldier: I'm really disappointed in you, Mr. Limbaugh. I mean, leaving tracks in the grass with your fingertips! You act so brave on your radio program. Didn't you say the world was run 60;by the aggressive use of force61;? Why don't you want to defend your country? Rush: BECAUSE I'M A COWARD, YOU MORON! Isn't it obvious? All those guys -- Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle, Hannity, Frum, Boot -- all of us are cowards! Can't you see that? It's as obvious as can be! And we're better and smarter than everyone else! Others are supposed to die, not us! We're indispensable to running this country! Soldier: The graveyards are full of men who thought they were indispensable. Who knows, Mr. Limbaugh, you might even join them soon after you're in Iraq . Don't you want to give your life for your country, and to bring freedom to oppressed people? Rush: What, are you crazy? I don't give a damn about those wogs if it means putting my life on the line! Don't! Hey, wait -- don't put me in that van! WAH! I want to go home! William Kristol: Hey, look, everyone, it's Rush Limbaugh! Rush: They got you, too, huh? Kristol: They got all of us -- Douglas Feith, John Bolton, Max Boot, Jonah Goldberg, Sean Hannity, and a whole bunch of Freepers. And boy, can those guys cry like girls! I guess it's true -- as you sow, so you will reap! Rush: Make some room in there, will you? Hannity: Look how fat he is! We can use him as a shield in Iraq! Rush: This isn't fair! This isn't the way it was supposed to be! One law for the unwashed masses, another for us Chickenhawks! Soldier: Look on the bright side, Mr. Limbaugh. If you survive, you and the rest of these guys just might grow up. Rush, Kristol, Hannity, et al: Grow up? WAH!!
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#1. To: YertleTurtle (#0)
Name: George W. Bush (R-TX) Born: 1942 Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer Conflict Avoided: Vietnam Notes: The Congressman from Missouri and House Majority Whip who’s so concerned about defending America that offered an amendment to the law creating the Homeland Security department that would have made it tougher to sell cigarettes over the ‘Net. It wouldn’t have helped the whole country, but the part of it that belongs to Phillip Morris would have benefited. Born just about the right time for Vietnam, somehow Blunt was at Southwest Baptist University when he could have been keeping the ‘Cong out of Chillicothe, MO. Name: Gov. Jeb Bush (R-FL) Born: 1943 Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer Conflict Avoided: Vietnam Notes: A virtuoso in the art of hypocrisy, the former Speaker of the House now claims the Vietnam War was a splendid idea, but at the time he opposed going himself. Newtie also speaks highly of morality, but as a serial adulterer he doesn’t want to get too close to it himself. Name: Sen. Judd Gregg (R-NH) Born: January 2, 1942 Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer Conflict Avoided: Vietnam Notes: The Indiana National Guard was a nice safe place for young Dan during the Vietnam era. Good thing he was from "a good family" - too good to waste their boy in a war. Name: Gov. Marc Racicot (R-MT) Born: April 9, 1963 Employer: His Daddy's Publishing Co, Inc.
I enjoyed listening to Rush several years ago, during the cliton administration. However he wore thin with me long before he became thin.
Well put, that was the experience of many, I believe ;)
"Independence Forever!" John Adams, July 4, 1826; His last toast to the 4th, the day he died, the same day Thomas Jefferson died.
#2. To: YertleTurtle (#0)
Born: 1946
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: You know when a guy walks away from a National Guard obligation during wartime and gets away with it, he must come from "a good family." Not that his daddy had anything to do with his getting a Guard slot in the first place - oh, no ...
Name: Richard "Dick" Cheney (R-WY)
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Says he had "other priorities." You bet he had other priorities. Imagine how early in life you must begin scheming to get away with what this guy has. He was too busy thinking about Halliburton to go fight Charlie.
Name: Rep. Roscoe Bartlett (R-MD)
Born: June 3, 1926
Conflict Avoided: WWII
Notes: Nominated as a chickenhawk by a constituent, Roscoe Bartlett brings to his job on the House Armed Services committee a mind that’s unbiased and unprejudiced — though he had turned 18 by D-Day, when there was still plenty of opportunity to become a bona fide member of the Greatest Generation©, Roscoe let the war go by without putting on a uniform. We don’t know why; perhaps you could ask him.
Name: Rep. Charlie Bass (R-NH)
Born: January 8, 1952
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Notes: When your old man's U.S. Representative Perkins Bass (2nd District, NH, 1955-1962), and your grandfather's Governor Robert T. Bass (NH, 1911-1913), chances are slim you'll ever get called "Private Bass," even if you are born in 1952.
Name: Rep. Roy Blunt (R-MO)
Born: January 10, 1950
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Born: 1953
Employer: Florida Taxpayers
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: When Jeb was younger he managed to avoid fighting for democracy in Vietnam. When his older brother's future job was on the line, though, he had no trouble fighting democracy.
Name: Sen. Saxby Chambliss (R-GA)
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: There are chickenhawks, and then there are chickenhawks. Saxby Chambliss is a chickenhawk supreme. He got himself elected to the Senate by casting aspersions on the patriotism of the incumbent, Democrat Max Cleland. Cleland lost three limbs serving his country in Vietnam. Saxby Chambliss was unable to serve because of his bad knees, but somehow is able to totter along as a recreational runner.
Name: Rep. Tom "The Exterminator" DeLay (R-TX)
Born: April 8, 1947
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: One of our most-nominated chickenhawks, Mr. DeLay has said he wanted to serve in Vietnam, but was unable to since all the positions had been taken by blacks and hispanics. We suspect there might be someone in Iraq today who would be willing to trade places with Mr. DeLay ...
Name: Rep. Charles Gwynne Douglas, III (R-NH)
Born: Dec. 2, 1942
Employer: Was U.S. Taxpayer
Notes: Not so notable for bellicosity, but he makes up for it with fervid Republican zeal. Graduated from UNH in 1965, when the draft was pretty strong, but went straight to BU Law. Got out of there in 1968, when it was even stronger. No problem - Ol’ Chuck was “admitted to the bar in 1968 and commenced practice in Manchester, N.H., 1970-1974,” according to an unimpeachable source. How’s he manage to avoid Vietnam? According to that same source, http://bioguide.congress.gov, the future Congressman (NH, 2nd District, 1989-1991) was a “[C]olonel, New Hampshire Army National Guard, 1968 to present.”
Name: Rep. Newton Leroy "Newt" Gingrich (R-GA)
Born: June 17, 1943
Employer: Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Born: February 14, 1947
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayeer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Another member of New Hampshire’s hereditary political aristocracy (see also: Charlie Bass and John Sununu) Judd’s daddy was Governor of New Hampshire from 1953 to 1955. Young Judd graduated from Columbia in ‘69 and apparently went straight to BU Law until the coast was clear. For good measure, he got written up for bad knees. They weren’t so bad he couldn’t spend half his term as Governor on the ski slopes.
Name: Rep. Dennis Hastert (R-IL)
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Dennis wasn't able to serve in the Army in Vietnam because his knees weren't up to it. He did OK as a wrestler in college, though.
Name: Sen. Chester Trent Lott (R-MS)
Born: October 9, 1941
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: We're not sure why Trent didn't serve. Maybe he didn't think he'd look good in Army green. He was a cheerleader in college instead. Wonder how he looked in a cheerleader's uniform?
Name: Sen. Don Nickles (R-OK)
Born: December 6, 1948
Employer: The U.S. Taxpayer
Notes: Another National Guard-type Republican. It must be noted that service in the Guard these days is vastly different from what it was in the Vietnam era. When Don went in in 1970, it was a safe slot. Thanks to guys like Don, that's no longer true.
Name: Sen. J. Danforth "Dan" Quayle (R-IN)
Born: February 4, 1947
Employer: "investment firm in Phoenix" - Dan Quayle Museum
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Born: July 24, 1948
Employer: The Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy
Conflict Avoided: Vietnam
Notes: Marc got a BA in 1970, and immediately took the grad school route. Once the war was safely over he went in the service as an Army lawyer. After his gig as governor was up, he got the top spot at the RNC, likely as a reward for helping W. grab Florida.
Name: Rep. Joseph "Joe" Scarborough (R-FL)
Employer: MSNBC
Conflict Avoided: Desert Storm
Notes: A former Republican congresman (1995-2002) turned MSNBC motormouth, Joe qualifies as a politician and a barking head. Where were you during Desert Storm, pal?
Name: Gov. Meldrim "Mel" Thomson (R-Orford)
Born: March 8, 1929
Conflict Avoided: Korea
Notes: Meldrim Thomson, New Hampshire’s quintessential Goofy Governor, once sought to arm the state’s National Guard with nuclear weapons. Some thought he wanted nukes to blast the Clamshell Alliance out of the way, so his pals at PSNH could build the Seabrook nuclear power plant. You might think that such a notoriously bellicose individual, twenty-one years old when the Reds crossed the line in Korea, might have managed to get into the fight - but you would be wrong.
#3. To: Jethro Tull (#1)
#4. To: Soda Pop (#3)
I enjoyed listening to Rush several years ago, during the cliton administration. However he wore thin with me long before he became thin.
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