Many Americans are ok with sending their neighbors’ sons and daughters to the Middle East for five years to become paraplegics for oil. But when it starts costing twice as much for us to gas up the half-ton F-150 pickups (35.7 gallons, 15 mpg) we use to pick up caramel macchiatos with whipped cream (440 calories) on the way to our jobs at local cube farms, we’ve had enough; we’re finally ready to embrace renewable energy.

Judging by recent Main Stream Media coverage, the renewable energy of choice is panning out to be…Wind Power!

But, alas, all free folks between the shining seas are not happy. For, in the home of the brave, every silver lining has it’s dark cloud. Without further ado, I give you…the Top 10 Reasons Wind Power Sucks:

10. All those towering turbines spoil the rich people’s view.

Just ask the Whitleys of Erath County, Texas:

Johnny and Tesa Whitley bought 350 acres in rural Erath County to raise horses and enjoy the breathtaking sunsets, but their view is now marred by something they never expected: two dozen wind turbines. The 400-foot-tall turbines tower over trees atop ridges, some just a mile away. At night the structures’ bright red lights blink intermittently, even reflecting in their lake, Tesa Whitley said. “We had a beautiful horizon, and now all we see is turbines,” she said.

When President Kennedy suggested asking not what our country could do for us, but what we could do for our country, I’m sure he didn’t intend things to go so far as having the views of rich people defiled by towers emitting green power. I’m sure what Kennedy meant was for the already no-good view of poor Americans to suffer the dark asthma-producing clouds puffed aloft by another coal power plant, or the giant steam clouds from nuclear cooling towers, or a new six-level parking garage that had to be built downtown to hold all the commuting half-ton F-150 pickups.

At least the Whitley’s only have to see a few dozen windmills poking above the treeline of their 350-acre paradise, and don’t have to wake up to this Parisian eyesore everyday.

And at least they don’t have to suffer the wooden skyscraper that befouls the skyline of Arkhangelsk, Russia.

9. The constant whooshing noise is unbearable.

Ok, maybe the whooshing noise is not as loud as the new expressway the city built on private land that the owner was forced to sell by right of eminent domain so the rich people could drive more F-150s to work. And maybe the whooshing is nothing compared to the airport, or the train that blares down the tracks at 3 AM, or the neighbor’s dogs, and that rooster in the morning, and the birds going haywire chirping at sunrise, and the fugue of seven-year cicadas in the trees, or the disquieting noise of water slapping the damn pebbles in the creek…heck, those wind turbines aren’t even as loud as the crickets chirping that keep me awake all night. Still, I just…can’t…take…the noise.

Hear it for yourself: Windmill Farm Noise

8. Wind farms may kill a few bats in Indiana.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service says it’s not clear what effect wind turbines have on bats; developers must be prepared for at least a few bat collision deaths. The government suggests halting construction on the proposed 62-turbine wind farm in Clayton, as well as the proposed 65-turbine St. Lawrence and 140-turbine Cape Vincent wind farms in Cape Vincent until further studies can be made.

The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service also suggested halting traffic on the New Jersey Turnpike until the relationship between mosquitoes and windshields can be studied (the study is going to take years, and cost millions of your dollars, and yes, I AM kidding…but not about the bat study.)

7. New wind turbines don’t look as cool as the old ones.

Sure, the old style windmills could only pump water, and the new ones can run several thousand water heaters, stoves, washing machines, and Xbox game consoles. Still, it’d be nice of they’d make the new ones look like the old ones. If the engineers can’t do that, I’d rather invade another country and stick with oil.

6. Did I mention bats might be at risk?

Bats. Yes, bats. If global warming doesn’t get them, giant wind turbines might. (See number 8…)

5. Wind power probably won’t kick start Armageddon

Unless it involves attacking Iran for Israel, wind power will probably never get any real support from the evangelical right:

The Evangelicals have also been jockeying for broadening the present conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan to Iran. Hagee’s CUFI has been zealously pushing the message of “support-Israel-bomb-Iran”, urging Congress to follow suit and has told his followers that a US strike on Tehran may initiate the sequence of apocalyptic events related in Ezekiel 38 and 39. In Jerusalem Countdown he goes so far as to argue that “The coming nuclear showdown with Iran is a certainty”.

Yep…wind power is completely off these people’s radar.

4. Dead bats.

You know…the minority of bats with screwed up sonar systems. Wind power, perhaps, might be dangerous to them. (See number 6…)

3. Wind power might replace weapons manufacturing.

The demand for wind turbines has increased so dramatically that manufacturers like General Electric have up to a $12 billion backlog of ordered wind turbines they have yet to construct and deliver.

Still, the profit margin on wind turbines is only 15% — not nearly the profits from working with an Israeli air force general to cheat the Pentagon out of $30 million dollars while supplying F-16 fighter engines.

2. Wind power makes sense.

Wind power makes a lot of sense. America stopped making sense a long time ago. We don’t do that anymore. We want to sell even bigger pickups, with lower gas mileage. It doesn’t make sense. That’s us. We’re not afraid of the cliff.

Brave? Yes.

Free? You better believe we certainly think we are.

Smart? Uhhh…we’re not even in the top ten anymore.

1. America doesn’t have to invade another country for wind.

This reason alone is going to leave the Military Industrial Complex scratching their fascist heads to come up with other reasons for Americans to part with $400 million per day.

Oh, well…I guess life’s just tough that way ;-).

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