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Title: Ole Massa and Slave John
Source: Roy Blount's Book of Southern Humor
URL Source: [None]
Published: Oct 14, 1994
Author: Zora Neale Hurston
Post Date: 2009-01-12 18:20:42 by James Deffenbach
Keywords: None
Views: 117
Comments: 2

You know befo' surrender Ole Massa had a nigger named John and John always prayed every night befo' he went to bed and his prayer was for God to come git him and take him to Heaven right away. He didn't even want to take time to die. He wanted de Lawd to come git him just like he was--boot, sock and all. He'd git down on his knees and say: "O Lawd, it's once more and again yo' humble servant is knee bent and body-bowed--my heart beneath my knees and my knees in some lonesome valley, crying for mercy while mercy kin be found. O Lawd, Ah'm astin' you in de humblest way I know how to be so pleased as to come in yo' fiery chariot and take me to yo' Heben and its immortal glory. Come Lawd, you know I have such a hard time. Ole Massa works me so hard, and don't gimme no time to rest. So come, Lawd, wid peace in one hand and pardon in de other and take me away from this sin-sorrowing world. Ah'm tired and Ah want to go home."

So one night Ole Massa passed by John's shack and heard him beggin' de Lawd to come git him in his fiery chariot and take him away; so he made up his mind to find out if John meant dat thing. So he goes on up to de big house and got hisself a bed sheet and come on back. He throwed de sheet over his head and knocked on the door.

John quit prayin' and ast: "Who dat?"

Ole Massa say: "It's me, John, de Lawd, done come wid my fiery chariot to take you away from this sin-sick world."

Right under de bed John had business. He told his wife; "Tell Him Ah ain't here, Liza."

At first Liza didn't say nothin' at all, but de Lawd kept right on callin' John. "Come on, John, and go to Heben wid me where you won't have to plough no mo' furrows and hoe no mo' corn. Come on, John."

Liza says: "John ain't here, Lawd, you hafta come back another time."

Lawd says: "Well, then Liza, you'll do."

Liza whispers and says: "John, come out from underneath dat bed and g'wan wid de Lawd. You been beggin' him to come git you. Now g'wan wid him."

John back under de bed not sayin' a mumblin' word. De Lawd out on de door step kept on callin'.

Liza says: "John, Ah thought you was so anxious to get to Heben. Come out and go on wid God."

John says: "Don't you hear him say 'You'll do'? Why don't you go wid him?"

"Ah ain't a goin' nowhere. Youse de one been whoopin' and hollerin' for him to come git you and if you don't come out from under dat bed Ah'm gointer tell God youse here."

Ole Massa makin' out he's God, says: "Come on, Liza, you'll do."

Liza says: "O, Lawd, John is right here underneath de bed."

"Come on, John, and go to Heben wid me and its immortal glory."

John crept out from under de bed and went to de door and cracked it and when he seen all dat white standin' on de doorsteps he jumped back. He says: "O, Lawd, Ah can't go to Heben wid you in yo' fiery chariot in dese ole dirty britches; gimme time to put on my Sunday pants."

"All right, John, put on yo' Sunday pants."

John fooled around as long as he could, changing them pants, but when he went back to de door, de big white glory was still standin' there. So he says agin: "O, Lawd, de Good Book says in Heben no filth is found and I got on dis dirty sweaty shirt. Ah can't go wid you in dis old nasty shirt. Gimme time to put on my Sunday shirt!"

"All right, John, go put on yo' Sunday shirt."

John took and fumbled around a long time changing his shirt, and den he went back to de door, but Ole Massa was still on de doorstep. John didn't had nothin' else to change so he opened de door a little piece and says: "O, Lawd, I'm ready to go to Heben wid you in yo' fiery chariot, but de radiance of yo' countenance is so bright, Ah can't come out by you. Stand back jus' a li'l way, please."

Ole Massa stepped back a li'l bit.

John looked out agin and says: "O, Lawd, you know dat po' humble me is less than de dust beneath yo' shoe soles. And de radiance of yo' countenance is so bright. Ah can't come out by you. Please, please, Lawd, in yo' tender mercy, stand back a li'l bit further."

Ole Massa stepped back a li'l bit mo'.

John looked out agin and he says: "O, Lawd, Heben is so high and wese so low; youse so great and Ah'm so weak and yo' strength is too much for us poor sufferin' sinners. So once mo' and agin yo' humble servant is knee-bent and body-bowed askin' you one mo' favor befo' Ah step into yo' fiery chariot to go to Heben wid you and wash in yo' glory--be so pleased in yo' tender mercy as to stand back just a li'l bit further."

Ole Massa stepped back a step or two mo' amd out dat door John come like a streak of lightnin'. All across de punkin' patch, thru de cotton over de pasture--John wid Ole Massa right behind him. By de time dey hit de cornfield John was way ahead of Ole Massa.

Back in de shack one of de children was cryin' and she ast Liza: "Mama, you reckon God's gointer ketch papa and carry him to Heben wid him?"

"Shet yo' mouf, talkin' foolishness!" Liza clashed at de chile. "You know de Lawd can't outrun yo' pappy--specially when he's barefooted at dat."

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People my age grew up on Uncle Remus stories and I guess they would be politically incorrect now but Joel Chandler Harris was certainly not a racist and was a very entertaining storyteller.

Brother Rabbit Conquers Brother Lion---Joel Chandler Harris

"Uncle Remus," remarked the little boy, one day, "papa says that the animals haven't got sure enough sense."

"Did Marse John tell you dat?" asked the old man, letting his shoe-hammer drop from his hands, as though astonishment had rendered him helpless. "Did Marse John set up flat-footed in a cheer and tell you dat de creeturs ain't got sho nuff sense? Ain't he wink his eye when he tell you dat? Ain't you see his chin drap?"

The little boy had seen none of these manifestations, and he said so.

"Well," exclaimed Uncle Remus, with a groan, "I dunner how come Marse John fer to take on dat away. He used to be a mighty joker when he wuz fus' married; but look like he too ole fer dat kinder doin's now. When you go back up dar, you tell Marse John, dat time he been wid de creeturs long ez I is, he won't set up dar wid a straight face en say dat dey ain't got sho nuff sense. Des ax 'im how dat ole blue sow up dar in de woods pastur' know when ter shake de plum tree. Ax 'im who tol' 'er to bump 'er head 'g'inst de floor er de crib en shatter de corn out. En den, when he git thoo tellin' you 'bout dat, ax 'im how dat brindle cow larn't to open all de plantation gates wid 'er horn.

"I be blest," continued Uncle Remus, laughing a little, "ef dat cow ain't a sight. Ef Marse John'll des let 'er come in de house, she'll go up sta'rs en unlock his trunk wid 'er horn, en chaw up dat ar claw-hammer coat what he get married in. She mos' sholy will. Co'se de creeturs can't talk none, so folks kin tell what dey say; but ef you gwine ter blame anybody fer dat, blame de folks, don't blame de creeturs.

"Take 'em up one side and down de yuther, an all 'roun' ez fur ez dey go, en dey got much sense ez folks. Dey ain't got law sense, en dey ain't got buyin' and sellin' sense, but what dey want wid it? What dey gwine to do wid it ef dey had it? Tell me dat! De ole cow, she want ter git in de sallid patch, en she know how ter open de gate. De ole sow want ripe plums, en she shake de tree; she want corn, en she bump 'er head 'g'inst de planks en shatter it out. What mo' do dey want? Dey done got der eddycation.

"Der littler de creeturs is, de mo' sense dey got, kaze dey bleedzd ter have it. You hear folks say dat Brer Rabbit is full er tricks. It's des de name dey give it. What folks call tricks is creetur sense. Ef ole Brer Lion had much sense ez Brer Rabbit, what de name er goodness would de balance er de creeturs do? Dey wouldn't be none un um lef' by dis time."

"The Lion couldn't catch Brother Rabbit, could he, Uncle Remus?" said the little boy.

"Now you talkin', honey" exclaimed the old man, enthusiastically. " 'Long side Brer Rabbit ole Brer Lion ain't knee high ter a duck. He mighty strong; he mighty servigrous; but when it come ter head work he ain't nowhar.

"Dey wuz one time when Brer Lion wuz sorter playin' overseer wid de yuther creeturs. It seem like he got de idee dat all un um got to pay 'im toll, kaze he de strongest en de mos' servigrous. He claim one out'n eve'y fambly: one sheep fud de sheeps, one goat fum de goats, en one fum all de kinds. Bimeby, atter so long a time, he sont word to Brer Rabbit dat his turn done come, en Brer Rabbit he sont back word, 'All a-settin'.' Co'se dis make ole Miss Rabbit en all de chilluns feel mighty bad. De chilluns, dey set 'roun' a-whimperin' en a-snufflin', en ole Miss Rabbit, she went 'bout cryin' en wipin' 'er eyes on e'r apern. But Brer Rabbit, he got up en smoke his seegyar, en tell um for ter quit der 'havishness en l'arn how ter don't.

"He 'low, 'Ole 'oman, ef I ain't back by supper-time, des set my vittles down dar on de h'a'th, so it'll keep sorter warm.'

"Ole Miss Rabbit say, dat stidder wantin' vittles, he'll be vittles hisse'f, en den she snuffle wuss en wuss. But Brer Rabbit he des hoot at 'er, en den he tuck down his walkin' cane en put out fer to see Brer Lion. De little Rabs, dey holler out, 'Good-by, Daddy!' en Brer Rabbit, he holler back, 'So long!' Ole Miss Rabbit, she look after 'im, she did, en den she flung 'er apern over 'er head en des boo-hoo.

"But Brer Rabbit, he march down de road ez gay ez ef he gwine ter a frolic. He march on, he did, en des 'fo' he git ter de place whar ole Brer Lion stay at, he hid his walkin' cane in de fence cornder, en rumpled up his ha'r en draw'd hisse'f up twel he look like he ain't bigger'n a pound of soap after a hard day's washin'. Den he went whar dey wuz a big, deep spring, a little piece off fum de road, en look at hisse'f in de water. He sort of roach back his years, en make hisse'f look 'umble-come-tumble, en den he draw'd his mouf 'roun' en wunk one eye, en shuck his fist at his shadder in de water.

"He got back in de big road, he did, en crope 'long like he ailin', limpin' fust on one foot en den on tudder, en bimeby he come ter de place whar ole Brer Lion stay at. Brer Rabbit sorter drag hisse'f 'long, en make a bow. Brer Lion look at 'im sideways, en ax 'im what he gwine. Brer Rabbit say he come de mo' willin' kaze it's his turn ter come, en he been feelin' mighty po'ly dis long time. He talk mighty weak an trembly.

"Brer Lion look at 'im right close, en 'low, 'You won't make a mou'ful. Time I eat you, I'll des be gettin' hongry good."

"Brer Rabbit say, 'Yasser, I know I ain't fat, en I speck I got lots er fleas on me, but I'm mighty willin'. I got a bad cough, en I'm tired of fallin' off. I'm des about ez fat ez de mule de man had, which he hatter tie a knot in his tail ter keep 'im fum slippin' thoo de collar."

"Brer Lion look at 'im, en study. Brer Rabbit 'uz so skeer'd he talk weaker en weaker.

"He say, 'Whiles I comin' 'long des now, I seed a creetur dat 'uz mos' big en fat ez what you is, en I 'low ter myse'f dat I wish ter goodness I 'uz fat ez he is, so Brer Lion kin make out his dinner.'

"Brer Lion 'low, 'Who is he?'

"Brer Rabbit say, 'I ain't ax 'im 'is name. He 'fuse ter 'spon' ter my howdy, en he look so servigrous dat I put out fum dar.'

"Brer Lion say, 'Come, show me whar he is.'

"Brer Rabbit say, 'I'd do it in a minnit, Brer Lion, but I skeer'd he'll hurt you.'

"Brer Lion sorter bristle up at dis. He 'low, 'Hurt who? Come on, en go wid me whar he is, en I'll show you who'll git hurted, en dat in short order!'

"Brer Rabbit shuck his head. He say, 'You better take me, Brer Lion. I ain't much, but I'm sump'n', en dat ar creetur what I seed will sholy hurt you. He got claws en he got tushes, kaze I done seed him. Don't go whar he is, Brer Lion, ef you got any friendly feelin' fer yo' fambly. Dat creetur will sholy cripple you!'

"Dis make Brer Lion mighty mad. He 'low, 'Git right in de road dar en show me whar he is!'

"Brer Rabbit say, 'Well, if I bleedzd ter go, Brer Lion, I'll go. I done tol' you, en dat's all I kin do.'

"Dey went on, dey did, en Brer Rabbit tuck Brer Lion ter de spring. When dey got dar, Brer Rabbit look 'roun' en say, 'He 'uz right 'roun' here somers, en he ain't so mighty fur off now, kaze I feel it in my bones.'

"Den he crope up, Brer Rabbit did, en look in de spring. Time he do dis, he fetched a squall en jumped back: 'Ouch, Brer Lion! he in dar! Less run! He'll git us, sho!'

"Brer Lion walked up ter de spring en look in. Sho nuff, dar wuz a big creetur lookin' back at 'im. Brer Lion holler at him. De creetur in de spring ain't say nothin'. Brer Lion shuck his head; de creetur shuck his. Brer Lion showed his tushes; de creetur grin at 'im. Dey keep on dis away, twel bimeby Brer Lion git so mad dat he jump in de spring head foremos'. When he in dar he can't git out no mo', en so dar he is, strangled wid de water en drownded fer de want er bofe sense en breff.

"Brer Rabbit, he caper 'roun' dar some little time, en den he put out fer home, en when he git dar, he tuck his chilluns on his knee en tol' um a mighty tale 'bout how he make way wid ole Brer Lion; en all de creeturs hear 'bout it, en dey go 'roun' en say dat Brer Rabbit sholy is got deze 'ere things up here"

Uncle Remus tapped his forehead significantly, and the little boy laughed.

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

James Deffenbach  posted on  2009-01-13   13:33:09 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

" 'Long side Brer Rabbit ole Brer Lion ain't knee high ter a duck. He mighty strong; he mighty servigrous; but when it come ter head work he ain't nowhar.

Obama is Brer Lion--who knew?

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

James Deffenbach  posted on  2009-01-13   16:45:55 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

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