t was with bewildered amusement that I watched Republican commentators attempt to soften the blow of an election that was a complete blowout victory for the Democrats. Not being much of a fan of political parties in the first place, I am nevertheless tempted to offer some simple advice to the wounded Elephant. Some blamed prima-donna Palin for the loss, while others saw it as a clear indication that the great masses just wanted Mommy Party to put a big red, white, and blue band-aid on the country while Daddy Party went back to the bar for some smokes and a whiskey. But really, the Republicans have only themselves to blame. No matter how easy it was to make fun of the Wasilla hillbilly and John McCain's rapidly shrinking fan-base, it was the GOP's mishandling of the national trust for eight years that put them on the ropes. Waking up with one hell of a headache November 5th, conservatives found themselves once again swindled by revival-tent rabble rousers preaching fear, and 21st Century snake oil salesmen out to make a quick buck on the rhetoric of patriotism. It was absolutely astonishing to hear one pundit say that the Republican Party needed to get back to its roots and find its principles. This, after a Republican primary season that saw a genuine Republican, Ron Paul, marginalized by his own party as a dangerous extremist for not pandering to the plutocracy or the Religious Right. And he still managed to set a new record for millions raised in a single day.
As Paul quickly becomes an underground reference (don't be surprised if you see his face on some vintage-style tees at Urban or something), The Republicans are left wondering, what now? After the election, the State Republican Chair so insightfully noted that the "big tent" party has recently been less than welcoming, especially to the GLBT community. Since the Nixon years, the Republican Party has become the bastion of, to put it bluntly, "Whitey". No matter how many Condi Rices or Alberto Gonzales' the Bush administration could pull out of its magic hat, we all tacitly understood that these appointments were public relation motivated, and that the main base of the party would continue to be white males between 22-50 who really like NASCAR, Budweiser, and AC/DC. Either that, or they are making more than $100-200,000 annually.
To reverse its current situation, The GOP could, if it wanted to, compromise on hot-button issues that ultimately do not affect national concerns like the economy or wars in distant lands. They could start with Same-Sex Marriage, for example. Let the States do what they want, and keep the Supreme Court or a Constitutional Amendment out of it. How about that word that rhymes with Shmishshmorshion? If your high school buddy just got blown up in Iraq and your parents have defaulted on their mortgage, you've got bigger things to worry about than Molly Jones at the clinic. The Republicans could be smart and limit their activity to blocking attempts by the Democrats to pass more convoluted federal legislation. If the GOP did things like that and pushed for drug legalization, they'd have more than a few new faces at the polls for them.
Judging by McCain's selection of Sarah Palin as a running-mate, however, the Republican Party still foolishly chooses to believe there are more Bible-beatin' Christians than both potheads and gays. It's a curious move for the one-time party of intellectualism: throw an ex-beauty queen whose passions in life are hunting, shopping, and Jesus into the national arena. Oh, and that's not pandering to the Religious Right AND your core audience of white guys at the same time? There's even Sarah Palin porn. With the Republicans still trying to find the one scrap of dignity they left in the bathroom, the Democrats are set to sit on the stinkiest of stink that Bush and Co. left in the stall. Good luck flushing that one. If you ever wanted to start a band or are thinking about staying in school for a Master's Degree, now is the time to do it because it's going to get worse before it gets better.