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Title: Why Men Lke Dogs Better Than Women
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Published: Mar 9, 2009
Author: Email
Post Date: 2009-03-09 20:10:49 by Turtle
Keywords: None
Views: 219
Comments: 10
* Dogs don't cry. * Dogs love it when your friends come over. * Dogs don't care if you use their shampoo. * Dogs think you sing great. * A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink. * Dogs don't expect you to call when you're running late. * The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you. * Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs. * Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name. * Dogs are excited by rough play. * Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away. * Dogs understand that farts are funny. * Dogs love red meat. * Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair. * Anyone can get a good-looking dog. * If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it. * Dogs don't shop. * Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor. * A dog's disposition stays the same all month long. * Dogs never need to examine the relationship. * A dog's parents never visit. * Dogs love long car trips. * Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions. * Dogs understand that all animals smaller than dogs were made to be hunted. * When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can shoot it. *Dogs like beer. * Dogs don't hate their bodies. * No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher, or Barbara Streisand album. * No dog ever put on 100 pounds after reaching adulthood. * Dogs don't watch Richard Simmons, Oprah, or Phil. * Dogs never criticize. * Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across. * Dogs never expect gifts. * It's legal to keep a dog in a little house in the backyard. * Dogs don't worry about germs. * Dogs don't want to know about every other dog you've ever been in love with. * Dogs like to do their snooping outside as opposed to in your wallet, desk, and the back of your sock drawer. * Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives. * Dogs would rather have you buy them a hamburger dinner than a lobster one. * You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day. * Dogs have no use for flowers, cards, or jewelry. * Dogs don't borrow your shirts. * Dogs never want foot-rubs. * Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public. * Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk. * Dogs can't talk. * Dogs seldom outlive you.
Poster Comment: Turtle drives women insane by peeing in the backyard (live in a rural area), eating cold chili out of a can, sleeping on the couch, and throwing his clothes on the floor, Turtle's dog NEVER complains about these things.
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#1. To: Turtle (#0)
It's spelled "Barbra".
What do men and mascara have in common? What do men and pantyhose have in common? What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man? What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football? What is the difference between men and women? What's a man's definition of a romantic evening? What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship? What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? What's the best way to kill a man? What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man? What's the smartest thing a man can say? What's the quickest way to a man's heart? Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? Why can't men get mad cow disease? Why did God create man before woman? Why did God create man before woman? Why do doctors slap babies' butts right after they're born? Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after mating? Why do jocks play on artificial turf? Why do little boys whine? Why do men like smart women? Why is it good that there are female astronauts? Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women? Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? STRANGE FACTS YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT MEN 1. Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved. 2. Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 3. Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle. 4. Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him. 5. Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important. 6. Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches. 7. All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun. 8. A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe. 9. All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwarzkopf. 10. Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not burn, he will take it personally. 11. Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy. 12. Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore. 13. Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo." 14. Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door. 15. If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious. 16. If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a) got older, got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies. 17. No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant. 18. When four or more men get together, they talk about sports. 19. When four or more women get together, they talk about men. 20. Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily. 21. Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?" 22. If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you. 23. Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you... I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks. 24. Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie. 25. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles. 26. Men forget everything; women remember everything. 27. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.
Forgiving without forgetting is not really forgiving.
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... now with Solium™! Only God can forget sin. Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel, and with the house of Judah: Heb 8:8, 13 32 Not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day that I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt; which my covenant they brake, although I was an husband unto them, saith the LORD: Heb 8:9 33 But this shall be the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days, saith the LORD, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people. Heb 8:10, 10:16 34 And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the LORD: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the LORD: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more. Heb 8:11,12, 10:17 35 Thus saith the LORD, which giveth the sun for a light by day, and the ordinances of the moon and of the stars for a light by night, which divideth the sea when the waves thereof roar; The LORD of hosts is his name: 36 If those ordinances depart from before me, saith the LORD, then the seed of Israel also shall cease from being a nation before me for ever. 37 Thus saith the LORD; If heaven above can be measured, and the foundations of the earth searched out beneath, I will also cast off all the seed of Israel for all that they have done, saith the LORD. 38 Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that the city shall be built to the LORD from the tower of Hananeel unto the gate of the corner. 39 And the measuring line shall yet go forth over against it upon the hill Gareb, and shall compass about to Goath. 40 And the whole valley of the dead bodies, and of the ashes, and all the fields unto the brook of Kidron, unto the corner of the horse gate toward the east, shall be holy unto the LORD; it shall not be plucked up, nor thrown down any more for ever.
That's how we know god's a man.
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Contrary. Only god can forget it. You try it sometime. You may forgive but you don't forget. Unless something is mentally wrong with you.
No, something is mentally wrong with women. In this regard, men are superior, in my opinion. However, you can't really blame women, in light of the higher biological cost and risk to them of childbearing. Enlightened men love them anyway.
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Faggot. Turtle dresses in almost nothing with beige pants and a pullover shirt. Turtle's last girlfriend made lots of money and tried to dress him like a homo with that layered look.
The only funny scene in "As Good As It Gets" is when Jack Nicholson told a woman he understood women so well by thinking a man and "taking away reason and accountibility." That's been my experience in many, many cases. Not all, of course, but a lot. Like Homer Simpson said, "Why couldn't God find someone else for us to marry besides women?"
* No dog ever bought a Kenny G, Cher, or Barbara Streisand album.
#2. To: Turtle (#0)
two can play this game
They both run at the first sign of emotion.
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch!
His wife is good at picking out clothes.
Four guys watching a football game.
The sofa doesn't keep asking for beer.
A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.
Sex.
Telling you his real name.
Put the remote control between his toes.
Put a naked blonde and a six-pack in front of him. Then tell him to pick only one.
Big Foot's been spotted several times.
"My wife says..."
Straight through the rib cage.
So men can understand them.
Because they're all pigs.
He didn't want any advice.
Because you're always supposed to have a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.
To knock the penises off the smart ones.
To stop the snoring before it starts.
To keep them from grazing.
Because they are practicing to be men.
Opposites attract.
When the crew gets lost in space, at least the woman will ask for directions.
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.
They all already have boyfriends.
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#3. To: Turtle (#0)
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#4. To: farmfriend (#3)
26. Men forget everything; women remember everything.
#5. To: Prefrontal Vortex (#4)
Forgiving without forgetting is not really forgiving.
#6. To: Old Friend (#5)
Only God can forget sin.
#7. To: Prefrontal Vortex (#6)
That's how we know god's a man.
#8. To: Old Friend (#7)
#9. To: farmfriend (#2)
What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
No place is better than Turtle Island.
#10. To: Prefrontal Vortex (#8)
No, something is mentally wrong with women.
No place is better than Turtle Island.
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