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Title: Grandpa's IRS Audit
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Published: Apr 11, 2009
Author: .
Post Date: 2009-04-11 19:39:28 by christine
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Views: 404
Comments: 15
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not Surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you lead an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that waste-basket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
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#1. To: christine, TwentyTwelve (#0)
LOL!
LMAO!!!
Click for Privacy and Preparedness files
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $315,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper.Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am? "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies, "I'd guess you'd be about 29." The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50." Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say around 30." Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!" While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are." They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead." He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?" He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says "Madam, you are 50." Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?" The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?" "I promise I won't," she says.. "I was behind you in McDonald's
An old man is sitting on his porch widling on some wood and he sees see a boy of about 12-13 walking by his house carrying something white and grey about 12 feet behind him "Hey son what ya carrying behind you there" he asks "duck tape" the boy replied "Well that sure is a long piece of duck tape what are you possibly going to use all that duck tape for" he ask. "Why im going to go catch me a bunch of ducks" he says. The old man starts laughing and says "boy you arent to bright are you? Dont you know you cant catch ducks with duck tape? I aint heard such foolishiness in all my years on earth." as the boy walked on down the road the old man went back to widdling concerned for the future of the nation. 30 minutes later the same boy comes walking back on the same path right in front of the old mans house carrying the same strip of duck tape with 24 ducks stuck to it quacking to beat the band. The very next day the old man is again sitting on his front porch widdling and sees the same boy walk past carrying 20 feet of screen behind him "Hey boy what do you got this time?" he asks "I got me a lenght of chickenwire from my old mans basement." "Well what ya you going to do with all that chicken wire anyway?" "I'm going on down the road to catch me some chickens of course." "Tarnations son you must be touched in the head! Everyone with a lick of sence knows you cant catch no chickens with chicken wire. How do your parents let you out of the house to roam alone in intelegent society with a clear concience anyway." with tht he goes back to widdling and mumbling to himself about the higher caliber of youth when he was the boys age. 30 minutes later the boy comes back past the old mans house with the chicken wire and 40 chickens caught in it trying desperatly to get away but to no avail. The third day comes along and the old man is sitting on his porch widdling away and he sees the same boy walking past his house with about 30 plants trailing behind him. "Hey boy want do you got there this time?" "pussywillow." "sakes alive! Hang on a minute son let me go get my coat."
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile. An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Andy had carved, 'I love you, Sally.' On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up, but, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money --------------- fifty- thousand dollars. Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.' Sally said, 'Finders keepers.' She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. 'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' Sally said, 'No.' Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.' Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.' The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: 'Tell us the story from the beginning.' Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ' The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you Think I'll live to be 80?' He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?' 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!' Then he asked, 'Do you eat steaks and barbecued ribs? 'I said, 'No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!' Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said. He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?' 'No,' I said He looked at me and asked, 'Then, why do you even give a shit...’
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know exactly where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! -- there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then He said, 'For crying out loud, Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I've been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'You know Alexis, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and, at 92 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled GUILTY.' 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for PERJURY.'
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE. George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'NO' Then they said that all patrols were busy , and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.. George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. 'Hello, I just called you a few secondsago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' Then he hung up. Within five minutes six police cars, a SWAT Team, a helicopter, two fire trucks, a paramedic and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: ' I thought you said that you'd shot them! 'George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!' I LOVE IT Don't mess with old people.
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 73). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?" Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. "Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Gautraux was sitting on the bayou bank, fishing. Boudreaux walks up with a couple of boxes on his shoulder, and plops them down in the pirogue. Gautreaux said, " Mais Boudreaux, whare you goin wit dem box?" Boudreaux replied, " Dat's gator aid. Me, I'm gonna catch some gators." "You cain't ketch no gators wit dat. You crazy. Boudreaux answered, Oh yaah, you oughta come wid me." Gautreaux said, " No, I gonna stay an fish."A couple of hours later, Boudreaux came paddling back with three gators in the pirogue, and pulling three more. Gautreaux was surprised. The next day, same place, same time, Gautreaux fishing again....Boudreaux walks up with another box and throws in in the pirogue. Gautreaux asked, "OOOKay, whut you doin' this time?" Boudreaux says, "Got sum duck tape, gonna git me sum duck." "Dis time," says Gautreaux, I know you gotta be full of poo-poo. You cain't do dat." "Mais, sho I kin. Why you don cum go wit me." Gautreaux said, "No, I gonna stay here and fish." Later, Boudreaux paddles up to the bayou bank. Only his head is sticking out of the ducks in his boat. Gautreaux says, "Man, dat is sum surprise to me." The third day, same time. same place,up walks Boudreaux with a bundle of sticks on his shoulder. Gautreaux said, "Now whut inna world you gonna do wit dem stick?" Boudreaux replied, " Mais Chere, dem ain't no stick, dey pussy willow poles." Gautreaux stood up, threw his fishing pole in the bayou, and said, "Boudreaux, move you big butt ova. Today, Me, I'm gonna go witchu." Boudreaux and Gautreaux went to the Saturday night dance at the Jolly Inn. As usual, they consumed at least one beer per dance. Soon nature called, and they both went to the rest room to relive themselves. As they walked up to the urinals, Gautreaux pulled his hand out of his pocket. A quarter came out with it and fell in the urinal. Looking stricken, Gautreaux pulled out his wallet, and dropped a dollar bill in with the quarter. Then he reached in and pulled all the money out. Boudreaux said, "Mais Boo, whyina worl' you do dat?" Gautreaux smiled in a crooked beer way and replied, " shore you don tink I'm gonna put my hand in dare for no quarter."
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.
now that's a great punchline. ;)
LOL! Good one.
Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end. Some old, some new - all true, and all great - thank you!
Oldie but goodie...
#2. To: christine (#0)
#3. To: christine, *Humor-Weird News* (#0)
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#4. To: christine (#0)
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#5. To: christine (#0)
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#6. To: christine (#0)
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#7. To: christine (#0)
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#8. To: christine (#0)
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#9. To: christine (#0)
"Controlling carbon is a bureaucrat's dream. If you control carbon, you control life." — Dr. Richard Lindzen, MIT Professor of Meteorology
#10. To: farmfriend (#4)
Lord Acton
#11. To: farmfriend (#9)
#12. To: farmfriend (#9)
#13. To: farmfriend (#9)
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."
Lord Acton
#14. To: farmfriend (#9)
#15. To: farmfriend (#3)
I was behind you in McDonald's
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