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Title: The Dead Cat Tale
Source: the net
URL Source: [None]
Published: Apr 28, 2009
Author: .
Post Date: 2009-04-28 21:29:39 by James Deffenbach
Keywords: None
Views: 336
Comments: 8

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he had found a cat, but that it was dead. "How did you know the cat was dead?" his teacher asked.

"Because I pissed in it's ear and it didn't move" the child replied innocently.

"You did WHAT!!?? the teacher cried.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it didn't move."

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#1. To: James Deffenbach (#0)

No offense, but your joke sucked.

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside a Maryland immigration office.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --

PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here..

PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn cloths, and a baseball cap instead of this turban. And I want to have white skin like Americans.

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T- shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

THIS IS GOOD...

The fairy said 'Tough sh**, Mac, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

And she disappeared.

Fred Mertz  posted on  2009-04-28   21:35:42 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

that is a good one ;)

The smooth criminal transition from Bush/Cheney to Obama

christine  posted on  2009-04-28   21:37:56 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Excellent, Mr. Mertz!

Jethro Tull  posted on  2009-04-28   21:41:30 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

No offense, but your joke sucked.

None taken. As Shirley Q. Liquor says, "To each they own." fwiw, I thought the joke you posted was good.

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

James Deffenbach  posted on  2009-04-28   21:42:17 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

CHRISTMAS CAKE Ingredients:
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle Jose Quervo
2 cups of dried fruit
Sample the Quervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Quervo again.
To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar.
Beat again.
At this point it's best to make sure the Quervo is still OK.
Try another cup .... just in case
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Quervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a crap.
Check the Quervo
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window,
Finish the Jose Quervo and kick the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS! >>

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

James Deffenbach  posted on  2009-04-28   21:48:53 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. (Trust me, it's a real name of a province in Canada.)

He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this, with the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet.

Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old coot. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck."

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

James Deffenbach  posted on  2009-04-28   21:53:53 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

That one was lots better.

Fred Mertz  posted on  2009-04-28   21:56:17 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

Glad you liked it.

Liberty is not a means to a higher political end. It is itself the highest political end.
Lord Acton

James Deffenbach  posted on  2009-04-28   21:57:12 ET  Reply   Trace   Private Reply  

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