NEW YORK, NY — District Attorney Alvin Bragg is reportedly set to indict Trump this coming Tuesday for the removal of a mattress tag back in 1997. According to sources, new evidence was discovered in the mattress tag cold case by grizzled Detective Harry Jakes, who utilized modern advances in forensic science to place former president Donald Trump at the scene of the crime.
"We got him dead to rights," said Bragg in an unnecessary press conference. "No one removes a mattress tag in my city and gets away with it!"
The mattress tag in question belonged to a Spring Air Conforma Foam mattress from '97, which historians claim featured a warning label advising mattress tags to not be removed:
Do Not Remove by Penalty of Law Except by the Consumer
In a surprise move, Trump has not denied the troubling accusation, though he maintains doing so was not illegal. "The tag says 'except by consumer.' I am a huge consumer. Probably the greatest consumer ever, and I had every right to remove that tag. The deep state is trying to dig up anything they can just to keep me from reclaiming the presidential throne."
"Witch hunt!"
Independent fact checkers have rated Trump's claim "a bald-faced lie," citing the fact that the president does not sit on a throne. Also, he is Trump and that is bad. The fact-check article does not make mention of the mattress tag issue directly, but does note, "[Trump] broke both federal and international laws probably."
A United Nations committee has been assembled to investigate whether the matter qualifies as a war crime.
"This is an open and shut case. Now he'll never be president. I did it!" Bragg claimed before quickly correcting himself. "I mean, no one is above the law."
At publishing time, Trump's approval polling surged among mattress consumers who have long been befuddled by the mattress tag warning.
#1: Esso To: Ada, 4um (#0)
Trans Community Feeling Unsafe Knowing There’s A Hockey Player Somewhere Out There Not Wearing A Pride Jersey
U.S. — Representatives from the trans community across the nation are reporting record levels of feeling "extremely unsafe" due to the knowledge that somewhere out there, a hockey player might not be wearing a pride jersey.
"In order for us to feel safe, it's essential that every person on earth agree with our opinions and openly celebrate them in public at all times," said Trans Community Safety Liaison Bertha Glamqueen. "The knowledge that even one hockey player somewhere in the world is maybe not fully endorsing our beliefs is literal genocide."
The distressing news comes after player Ivan Provorov refused to wear a shirt with rainbows on it and the NHL's Blackhawks announced they will not wear pride jerseys on pride night. Experts are warning this may cause trans people to die from being unsafe.
"What kind of fascist would let someone feel unsafe?" said Glamqueen as a 5-year-old stuffed a $20 in his G-string. "This groundswell of anti- LGBTQ hatred is absolutely terrifying."
At publishing time, the entire trans community had been led to feel even more unsafe after hearing that a guy named Steve from Peoria attends a non-queer-affirming church.
Esso posted on 2023-03-24 12:56:22 Reply Private Reply