Yesterday, I woke up at 9 a.m. and drank a cup of freshly brewed coffee. Then I read the headlines on my smartphone while taking a shit. There’s a two-year-old zebra named Sero who lives at a zoo in Seoul. Sadly, both of his parents died, and he took their passing very hard—becoming aggressive and obstinate. He now fights with his kangaroo neighbors and refuses to sleep in the barn. Anyway, Sero escaped from his pen and began wandering the streets of the city. He was eventually tranquilized and returned to his home.

I ate hash browns for breakfast as I watched Fox News. A bunch of tornadoes ripped through Mississippi killing twenty people. When crap like this happens, I begin questioning the existence of God. But luckily I remember the words of Jesus Christ. In the gospels, Jesus talks about the collapse of a synagogue which caused a ton of death and despair. He tells his disciples that we live in a fallen world and that we never know when our time is up. Therefore, it’s important to remain spiritually prepared.

I called my mother using Facebook Messenger.

I said, “I’m not voting in 2024, but I’ve decided to root for Meatball Ron.”

She said, “Who’s Meatball Ron.”

“DeSantis. He hasn’t made it with porno stars, and he doesn’t appear to be a narcissist. Plus I think he’s smarter than Trump.”

“Donald’s not a narcissist.”

“Of course he is. That’s why he’s always in trouble. Can you imagine the balls on a guy who tells his vice president to overturn the election?”

“But Biden didn’t win. There’s no way in hell that he got 81 million votes.”

“I agree. But it goes further than that. Look at that idiot Michael Flynn. He talked to the FBI without having a lawyer present. Even a student in elementary school has more sense than that.”

“Well, I’m behind Donald all the way. He’s the best president in the history of our nation.”

“Don’t get me wrong. I’ll support him if he wins the nomination. Yet Meatball Ron is my man.”

“Why don’t you vote? All you got to do is send your ballot in.”

“I can’t be bothered. Everything is difficult when you live overseas. I simply don’t have the energy.”

Later that morning, the Dragon Lady took Dolly the dog to the vet. Rice- Boy Larry went with her. We’ve been trying to get Dolly fixed for the last few weeks, but her enzyme levels have been too high to perform the surgery.

I said, “I hope they do it this time.”

She said, “I aflaid. Da doctah make me sign da papah saying dat Dolly might die and he not responsibah.”

“I wouldn’t worry. It’s a normal procedure. He probably makes everyone sign the same form.”

After they left, I enjoyed some adult entertainment. I don’t view porn as much as I used to, but I still switch it on every once in a while. It’s tough to resist. Beautiful naked ladies are only a click away.

My wife returned in the afternoon. Dolly was in rough shape. She kept walking in circles and crying like a baby. Plus she has to wear one of those silly cones around her head for the next two weeks. The doctor is afraid that she might rip out her stitches.