MOSCOW — In a shocking turn of events, the mercenary army known as the "Wagner Group" stole Vladimir Putin's official podium in a brazen coup attempt.
"We've done it!" cried mercenary soldiers as they carried the podium out of the Kremlin. "For the Motherland!"
News of the podium's seizure spread quickly across the globe, with several outlets reporting that Putin's dictatorial reign had come to an end. "Putin has lost the podium -- I repeat, Putin had lost the podium. It's over, folks," announced MSNBC anchor Lawrence O'Donnell. "Control of the Russian government now belongs to that jolly-looking mercenary who carried the lectern out of the Kremlin. We are also hearing that Putin's refrigerator full of Smirnoff Ice has been raided."
Despite the loss, sources within the Kremlin report that Putin remains firmly in control. "It was just a dumb podium," said Russian Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu. "That said, I will have the guy responsible for the podium's security murdered. Then, I will murder whoever was supposed to be guarding the guy who was supposed to guard the podium. It's a wonderful system of government."
At publishing time, the Biden Administration had switched its support to Russia to see if the war could be dragged out a little longer.
#1: Esso To: Ada, 4um (#0)
TATOOINE — A group of scientists on the outer rim planet of Tatooine have come to the realization that the planet's two suns might have something to do with its global warming issue.
"Our planet has experienced many years of harsh climate issues and unforgiving heat. After putting our heads together and really thinking about it, we surmised that maybe the two giant burning balls of gas we orbit around may be the issue," stated local scientist Tumar Sleezelag."I mean it kinda makes sense if you think about it."
The intense heat levels have already caused several issues amongst the inhabitants of this desert planet. Local Jawas and Tusken Raiders have reportedly begun wearing fewer garments to combat the extreme heat. "We know the heat has gotten too extreme when you see a Jawa walking around disrobed in broad daylight. It's an image you can't get out of your head," explained a shaken Sleezelag. "It's worse than anything an imperial probe droid could do to your mind."
Others, like local climate activist Greva Turdberg, are skeptical of the scientists' conclusion. "All these people flying around on speeders and those Sand People riding giant, hairy fart beasts are the ones contributing to the destruction of our planet!" said Ms. Turdberg. "Bantha farts have literally stolen my childhood! HOW DARE YOU!"
At the time of publishing, Tatooine officials were reaching out to a former resident with experience blowing up stars to help them with their extra sun.
Esso posted on 2023-06-26 12:45:21 Reply Private Reply