The nation was rocked to its core this week after a substance later determined to be cocaine was found in the West Wing of the White House. The always-trustworthy and not-in-any-way-corrupt D.C. Police Department immediately launched a very thorough 15-minute investigation to learn the identity of the culprit.

While it's unlikely we'll ever know who could have possibly brought cocaine into the house where President Biden and his crack-addicted son were staying, The Babylon Bee has obtained a list of 15 other things found at the White House during the search:

Three more illegitimate children of Hunter Biden

Dead hookers

Live hookers

$72 billion marked "For Zelenskyy"

Teddy Roosevelt's skateboard

Jill Biden's Fisher-Price pretend doctor's kit

Dominion voting machine programming manual

Scrapbook containing Hunter Biden's baby teeth...and his adult teeth.

Ray Epps

A notebook labeled "Chairman Xi's To-Do List"

30 suitcases left behind by Sam Brinton

List of unsecured locations of classified documents

Hunter's other laptop (where he keeps the REALLY bad stuff)

A closet full of adult diapers

Glass vial labeled "Next Pandemic — Save for 2024"

As you can see, the White House is thankfully now free of cocaine — or any other illegal activity. Thanks for getting that taken care of, D.C. Police!