I just burned 2000 calories in half an hour.

I forgot to take the brownies out of the oven.

 

 

A limbo champion walked into a bar...

He was disqualified.

 

 

Dance instructor: "Everyone get in line and we will get started learning the salsa!"

Me, hiding a bag of tortilla chips: “I think there’s been a misunderstanding..."

 

 

I've just turned down a job delivering for my local fruit and veg shop.

They offered to pay me in vegetables, but the celery was unacceptable.

 

 

A man went to the doctor and said: “Doctor, I keep having visions of the future.”

“When did these start?”

“Next Thursday.”

 

 

Good news, the Lego store has reopened...

People are lined up for blocks!

 

 

When you get older, lack of pep is often mistaken...

Mistaken for patience!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Calvin Rickson, an engineer from Texas A&M University has designed a bra that keeps women’s breasts from jiggling, bouncing up and down, and stops nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in.

After a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took Mr. Rickson outside and kicked the shit out of him.

 

 and on that same note...

 

A farmer was selling

his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?" She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?" He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye. Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?" He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying. She asked, "Why on earth are you crying?" Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soybeans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."