U.S.—The Biden administration is providing new guidance to coroners and medical examiners across the country for determining causes of death. From now on, doctors and officials who sign death certificates will be required to choose between COVID, climate change, or systemic racism to describe how the person died.
"Listen, folks, this is much easier," said Biden in a statement to the garbage disposal in his kitchen sink. "It's multiple choice! We know these three things are really the only evil forces at work that could be responsible for killing someone. It ain't that complicated, Jack!"
Biden then immediately tripped and fell down the stairs, almost dying of climate change.
Several lawmakers such as AOC have expressed support for the federal changes. "We are, like, really glad the President is making sure we get to the real root causes of all the death in the world," she said. "This stuff is real. I actually almost died of systemic racism just last week!"
According to sources, some are working to add "homophobia" and "Trump" as possible causes of death as well.
#1: Pinguinite To: Esso (#0)
Pinguinite posted on 2021-07-07 14:39:54 Reply Private Reply
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AOC Donates Casket She Was Buried In After Being Killed On January 6th To Smithsonian
WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a touching and powerful gesture, Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has decided to donate the casket she was buried in after being killed on January 6th to the Smithsonian.
"As you all know, I was literally murdered by MAGA terrorists during the January 6th insurrection," said AOC in a statement. "After my funeral, I realized that the casket I was buried in had become a national symbol of hope, as well as a dark reminder of that dark day."
To help ensure America never forgets the horrific events of January 6th, AOC has donated her coffin to be put on display for future generations to see. It will be held in a glass case, with a plaque saying "Never Forget."
Inspired by AOC's example, others are stepping up to donate items to the new exhibit, which include:
Buffalo guy's iconic buffalo hat
Soiled trousers worn by journalists on that day
Nancy Pelosi's podium
Hundreds of deadly selfie sticks used by insurrectionists
The new exhibit will be open to the public as soon the security threat from more Trump-inspired insurrections is passed.
Esso posted on 2021-07-07 14:43:29 Reply Private Reply
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Biden: "Child care is cutting poverty in half by 40%."
Esso posted on 2021-07-07 16:43:09 Reply Private Reply
#4: Anthem To: Esso (#0)
Anthem posted on 2021-07-07 23:37:13 Reply Private Reply