state by state jab incentives, stolen from fr

Alaska - 50 acres, a bear, and a snow cone.

Arizona - Free T-shirt reading “It’s a dry heat.”

Arkansas - Free $10 scratch-off and a six-pack of Busch Light.

California - Free U-Haul to help you leave California.

Colorado - Free bag of marijuana and an industrial-sized case of Doritos.

Connecticut - A crappier version of whatever New York is giving away.

Delaware - 10 free copies of Hunter Biden’s book.

Florida - Entered for a chance to win a trip to Mar-a-Lago where you’ll get to kiss Trump’s ring in person.

Georgia - Free tickets to the MLB All-Star game.

Hawaii - Grass hula skirt and Mazie Hirono-cancelling headphones.

Idaho - Free bag of potatoes. You can boil them, mash them, or perhaps stick them in a stew.

Illinois - Free bullet-proof vest.

Indiana - Lottery for the chance to play one down of football for Notre Dame this fall.

Iowa - Coupon for a free order of fried butter at Iowa State Fair.

Kansas - Free double-wide trailer and dog that barks constantly.

Kentucky - Enough performance-enhancing drugs to split between you and a horse.

Louisiana - Free house that has never been underwater or anything of the sort.

Maine - Stephen King will autograph your vaccine scar while ranting about Trump.

Maryland - “Got Crabs?” t-shirt and a personal detective to investigate your murder.

Massachusetts - Free bowl of clam chowder and a $5 Dunkin coupon.

Michigan - Free abandoned house in downtown Detroit.

Minnesota - Free admission to the police academy.

Mississippi - Free all you can eat pass at Golden Corral.

Missouri - Chance to play starting shortstop for the Kansas City Royals.

Montana - Free buffalo.

Nebraska - Entered into a drawing to win a John Deere T670 combine harvester.

Nevada - $20 free slot play at the Golden Nugget.

New Hampshire - A crappier version of whatever Massachusetts is giving away.

New Jersey - Entry into a drawing to win a house in a state that’s not New Jersey.

New Mexico - Free migrant child.

New York - Free can of mace to fight off handsy governors.

North Carolina - A chance to become one of Stephen Furtick’s disciples.

North Dakota - Box of 12-gauge pheasant ammo.

Ohio - One free trip through Cleveland in bulletproof Hummer.

Oklahoma - Horseback archery lessons with Elizabeth Warren.

Oregon - Antifa will still burn down your business, but they will feel bad about it now.

Pennsylvania - Free pin-up calendar featuring Dr. Rachel Levine.

Rhode Island - Whatever Connecticut is offering, but smaller.

South Carolina - Constant IV drip of sweet tea straight into your veins.

South Dakota - Your face up on Mt. Rushmore.

Tennessee - Choice of either a new set of teeth or tickets to Graceland assuming it’s not considered racist yet.

Texas - Free AR-15 with a cute little cowboy hat on top.

Utah - Three free wives with each injection.

Vermont - Free pair of Bernie Sanders mittens.

Virginia - Invite To Governor Northam’s Next “Antebellum” Party.

Washington - Seat on CHAZ city council.

West Virginia - Carton of menthol cigarettes.

Wisconsin - Signed photograph of Packers QB Aaron Rogers.

Wyoming - Free seat in U.S. House of Representatives.

And even the almost-states are offering incentives:

Washington, D.C. - Every vaccinated person gets to become their own state.

Well? Go get your free stuff!