WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a forceful press conference today, Biden called for whoever the President is to "clean up this mess" in Afghanistan.

"Listen folks, this is ridiculous!" said President Biden. "Who's running this country anyway? I demand accountability! The President must be held responsible for this debacle!"

An aide attempted to whisper in his ear that he was the President, but Biden whirled around and punched the aide right in the nose in a flurry of righteous anger.

"How dare you sneak up on me while I'm holding the President to account!" said Biden.

The press conference was then abruptly interrupted by the evening call to prayer.