WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a deadly terrorist attack in Waukesha Wisconsin in which a terrorist SUV drove itself into a parade and murdered people all by itself, Attorney General Merrick Garland has ordered the FBI to place all SUVs on the Terrorist Watchlist.
"We have no idea what led this SUV to commit this terrorist act, but we promise to get to the bottom of it," said Garland. "I have directed the FBI to investigate all SUVs before they strike again."
The FBI will be coordinating with local law enforcement to closely monitor all sport utility vehicles and trucks for signs of extremism or aggression. Any SUV seen making a wrong turn or disobeying traffic laws will be immediately confiscated and tortured at an undisclosed location until it confesses to terrorist activity.
The media immediately praised the FBI for addressing the SUV menace. "It's about time someone addressed the evil evilness of SUVs," said one MSNBC anchor. "They are the real enemy of the people here, definitely not the media."
The FBI also confirmed that media SUVs will be exempt.
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#1: Darkwing To: Ada (#0)
Darkwing posted on 2021-11-26 11:03:19 Reply Private Reply
#2: Lod To: Darkwing (#1)
Lod posted on 2021-11-26 11:24:03 Reply Private Reply
#3: TommyTheMadArtist To: Ada (#0)
I knew I couldn’t trust it, especially when it carried out its own terror attack on me, by stalling in traffic on a sunny winter day. It felt like a suicide bomber whose batteries died in the remote detonator. I could have been fucking killed for all I knew. Fortunately it didn’t and I don’t know how many lives I saved that day having towed it out of the intersection and back to my garage.
For all I know it’s outside in the garage plotting its next terror campaign. What next? BAD BRAKES??? BAD ACCELERATOR PEDAL??? Christ in heaven, I may need to just have the car police take the bastard to the car cemetery and put it down for its own good. Though I will take the brand new tires off of it, before I do, because they might save the life of another vehicle that is not prone to terrorism.
TommyTheMadArtist posted on 2021-11-26 11:33:14 Reply Private Reply
#4: Lod To: TommyTheMadArtist (#3)
Lod posted on 2021-11-26 12:04:14 Reply Private Reply
#5: Esso To: Lod (#4)
Esso posted on 2021-11-26 14:47:16 Reply Private Reply
#6: Esso To: All (#5)
Esso posted on 2021-11-26 14:51:53 Reply Private Reply